A Letter From Norman

Cleaning out my emails the other
day, I started going through one of my folders labeled “Norman”. There were emails that had been sent back and
forth between the two of us before we had gotten married. In one of those emails I found a beautiful
letter that he had written to me during one of our “hard times”…when I kept
trying to push him away, yet knowing I was caught in the middle of living in
the past or moving forward with my life.

Below is that letter.

What a considerate, patient,
loving man I married. Craig would be
pleased to know that I am being taken care of…that Norman honors and respects
the life I had with him…and that I’m no longer alone

I SIT HERE REFLECTING ON THE DISCUSSION WE HAVE HAD, YES MULTIPLE
TIMES. WHAT IS IT I SEE IN YOU – WHAT KEEPS YOU HOLDING ON? YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU WITH MY EYES. I MET A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CONFIDANT, CHEERFUL, OUTGOING, FUN, AND AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE
WITH AND AROUND. I CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET SUCH A WOMAN.
I, LATER ON IN THE
RELATIONSHIP, SAW A WOMAN HURTING DEEPLY AND KEEPING IT IN, PROJECTING AN
OUTWARD APPEARANCE OF BEING TOUGH AS NAILS, OBLIVIOUS TO PAIN, TOTALLY IN
CONTROL OF HER EMOTIONS. I SAW A WOMAN, DURING THE ROUGHEST TIME OF HER LIFE. CAUGHT
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS: ONE IN WHICH I SAW A WOMAN MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE –
LOOKING FOR MISTER RIGHT, WHOM I HOPED WOULD BE ME, BUT I ALSO LEARNED ANOTHER
SIDE OF THIS WOMAN. I SAW A WOMAN DEEP
IN PAIN, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONALLY IN DISTRESS. I WAS THERE BUT NOT THERE - I
COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN AND ANGUISH AWAY. I SAW THE WOMAN I LOVED DEEPLY HURTING
BUT I COULDN’T INTERFERE. I WASN’T ABLE
TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND HER OR MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR HER; SHE WAS DEALING WITH
DEATH OF HER HUSBAND. THE PAIN OF WHICH I CAN ONLY BEGIN TO IMAGINE. I SAW A
WOMAN REACHING FOR MY HELP, BUT I MISINTERPRETED THE SIGNS / SIGNALS. I DIDN’T
UNDERSTAND AND MADE HORRENDOUS MISTAKES AND SIMPLY ADDED TO HER ANGUISH. I SAW A WOMAN I’M IN LOVE WITH SLOWLY
INCREMENTALLY MOVING AWAY FROM ME, TIES AND BONDS LOOSENING AND THEN FAILING.
SO WHAT KEEPS A MAN COMING BACK OR TRYING TO HOLD ON……THE DEEPEST LOVE OF A
WOMAN NAMED NANCY. A LOVE WHICH IS UNWAVERING, LIMITLESS AND LIFE LONG…..THIS
IS HOW I SEE YOU AND WHAT KEEPS ME HOLDING ON…EVEN BY A THREAD.
LOVE YOU
NORM

All About Me (cont.)

Your favorite meal:

From as far back as my childhood days, I remember every Saturday at how my mom would go to the Bi-Lo store located on Swananoa River Road...the old Bi-Lo with the big cow on top of the building...and she would stand at the meat counter and pick out the "perfect" steaks for dinner. Come Saturday evening, we would have salad, steak, baked potato and some kind of pie for dessert...while being allowed to sit in the livingroom and watch tv (that was a big deal, because we always ate at the dinner table together!). We got to watch Lawrence Welk, Hee Haw, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

To this day, steak and baked potatoes are my absolute favorite meal...and I still harbor the belief that is what we are suppose to have for Saturday night dinner.

A drink you often order:

Lmao...not because it's my "favorite" drink, but because I can be a bit of a cheapskate...I order water with my meals. I can't see paying $2.00 for a soda, or tea, when I can drink water w/lemon with my meal. I think I started this when I left my first husband and needed to be "frugal" with my money...and it's just stuck with me!

As a special treat...if Sarge is out and wants to surprise me with a little treat...he will stop at Sonics and pick me up a Route 44 Diet Strawberry Limeade. (I love those things, we just don't live close to a Sonics!)

Now, if Sarge and I are out for a "celebration" of some sort...depending on what I am ordering to eat, I will have a glass of wine. If we are out on the town for the evening, my favorite drink to order would be Long Island Ice Tea! :-D

A delicious dessert:

Rarely do I ever "order" dessert, but if I do, it would be if they have Tiramisu on the menu. Nothing else generally appeals to me.

A game you like to play:

Hummm....are we talking board games? If so, my absolute favorite board game is Scrabble. But I also love games like Monopoly, Sorry, Parcheesi, Backgammon (Craig was just teaching me how to play this game when he passed away), and Chess.

(When Craig and I got together we implemented one night a week...every single week...as game night. The kids, Craig and I would take turns about picking out the weekly game, and every week we would spend one evening with the tv off, sitting around the kitchen table, playing board games! What a blast we had...and what wonderful memories he created for the 3 of us!)

A book you strongly recommend:

There are 2 books I "strongly" recommend...

The first is: "Conversations With God". This was the very first book that voiced my exact thoughts and opinions of "who" and "what" I believe God is. It was enlightening...and as you can guess...I absolutely loved it!

The second book I recommend is: "Walking in the Garden of Souls". This book has brought me more peace than anything...or anyone...since Craig's passing. Whether or not you have lost someone in your life, I recommend this to every one!

An author who has affected you:

Besides the author's of the 2 books I mentioned above, the only other author who has truly "affected" me is Pauline Reage (a French author)...and for very personal reasons that is better left not discussed.

The magazine you read most frequently:

Hummm...I guess that would have to be Real Simple. I love the simplistic solutions to everyday problems...and the organizational tips they offer.

The newspaper you prefer to read on Sundays:

I like the local Sunday paper...just don't "mess" it up before I get a chance to look at it. Lmao My OCD doesn't like a "messy" paper. :-)

Music you prefer to listen to when you are alone:

Most of the time...when I'm alone...I will listen to what the call "Adult Contemporary" music. Actually, it's just the "slow" music I listened to when I was growing up (if anyone outside my age group understands what "slow" music is! lol)

The singer or band you currently listen to the most:

The singer I am listening to the most right now is "Adele". I love her sultry voice...and her music is very relaxing to listen to.

The film you could watch over and over:

"PS, I Love You"...because Hilary Swank plays ME in this movie. Everything she went through in the passing of her husband were things I lived out and experienced in the passing of my Craig. As a matter of fact...I think I'll watch it again today.

I can also watch "City of Angels" over and over again...because it also reminds me of Craig (and because it was the movie that Craig's spirit guided me to shortly after he passed away! Yes...I believe this 100%!)

A director you admire:

Even though I rarely pay attention to who has directed a certain movie...I must say that Clint Eastwood is one director I pay attention to. If I know it's a Clint Eastwood directed film...it is a must see movie! He is fresh and unique in his film style...and his story lines. "Letters from Iwo Jima", "Flags of our Fathers", "Gran Torino"...and "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"...absolutely amazing films!!

Why?

Why?

Life is going good...actually, compared to a lot of folks, life is great!

School is almost to the end of the term...and I've almost survived all 7 classes! (lol)

Being married to Norman...lmao...well, that's always a lively adventure! He loves me so very much and puts up with my OCD-ness...is surviving my going through "the change"...supports me in everything I do, especially when it comes to my schooling...and can make me laugh at the stupidest stuff when my mood is not the best in the world.

So...why?

Is it "the change"...reeking havoc on my emotional stability?

Or is it, for the absolute very fist time, watching the leaves blow around in the wind and rain...seeing the trees go bare outside my window, that I feel the sadness of Fall?

Or was it the dream I had this morning? The dream of me desperately searching...finally slumping to the ground...bawling my eyes out...not knowing and not being able to find my Craig?

Whatever the reason...

I'm just thankful the house is quiet...

That Norman is still in the bed asleep (he is such a wonderful support system, but I hate putting him through it)...

That I can have this time alone...without anyone trying to "fix" things...

and I can just...

Cry.

And grieve.

And miss my Craig....

All About Me

A while back, I purchased a book called "All About Me". It is the most unusual self-biography book I have ever seen. Not only does it ask the usual questions for you to answer, but it also asks some rather unusual ones. I am going to randomly pick a page every once in a while and answer the questions here...and I promise to be honest with my answers! :-)


So...here we go:

The Fruits of Your Labor: (this is the name of the page from which I am answering questions)

Your watch:  right now I am wearing a white Marc Jacobs watch
Your perfume:  I wear Chanel #5...all because it is what my mom always wore (my dad bought my mom the Chanel gift set every year for Christmas)
Something important on your desk:  Ummm...I guess I would have to say my iPhone...or possibly my bluetooth! lol
On your wall hangs:  In my office...today I hung the pictures that Norman and I painted when we went to Paintings Bayou on a date. It shows that even though we were looking at the same thing, we both ended up with our own personal perspective on the subject matter. It makes me smile to see them because it was such a fun date...and something I had never done before!
Under your bed or in your closet you hide: lmao...if I have it hidden, there's a reason for it! :-) Let's just say...it's personal!
Something important on your night table: I have this music box that plays "What A Wonderful World" (by Louis Armstrong) and it holds a special package of Craig's ashes, his wedding ring, his watch, and his ear-ring. I have it there so it is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. It has been on my night table March 7, 2009 (mine and Craig's wedding anniversary)...and will probably be there till the day I die!
When you sleep, you wear: lmao...if you ask Norman, he will tell you that I wear "gun cleaning cloth" (he hates that I wear anything to bed!), but I am more comfortable when I wear a t-shirt, or silky gown, and pair of panties.
If you had a safe, you would keep: I have no clue! I guess I would keep the diamond watch Craig gave me on our anniversary, my wedding rings from Craig, mine and Craig's wedding album, mine and Norman's wedding album...and probably every single picture album I own!
Things you like to buy: lmao...my vices are shoes and purses! I own more shoes than any woman should ever own...and have an entire full size suitcase packed with all my extra purses (and that's after giving a box full of them to Goodwill!) I am also an avid collector of cookbooks! I love getting a cookbook from every place I visit...especially if it's a regional cookbook!
If you could afford it at this time, you would buy:  I would buy a cabin in the mountains! Somewhere that Norman and I could go to in the winter to enjoy the snow! (We are both such winter people!)
You collect:  Honestly...since Craigs death, I pretty much stopped collecting things...just for the sake of collecting. When he passed away...and in dealing with all the things that he collected...I've realized, it's just "stuff", and who's going to want it when I pass away anyway?! So now, unless I can use it, I don't buy it. I do have a huge collection of porcelan Cherished Teddies...crystal snow globes that my daughter has bought me...and Craig's Franklin Mint Motorcycles. Oh...but wait...I do collect something! I collect wine glasses from the wineries that Norman and I visit.But they are usually free with a wine tasting...and they have the wineries logo on them.
You don't have a lot of:  I don't know what I don't have a lot of! I must have plenty of everything because Norman, Nathan and Allan built me a beautiful storage building to put stuff that I don't use in. Humm...I'm going to have to think on this one...

And that's all the questions that was on that page!
Stay tuned for more...
I'll do this again soon...lol

I Am In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

Book of Days

Book of Days    10/31/2011

Outside my window…The sun is shining brightly, the cows are lying in the pasture, and I can see my Morgan bathing in the sunlight in the front yard. (I’ve noticed that since my time with Craig, that I have picked up his habit of referring to things as “mine”. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but Craig had a tendency to do this!)

My thoughts…Right this very second my thoughts are on “time”. It is pushing 1pm…I still have to package Craig’s tshirts for mailing…take a shower and get ready for school tonight…stop off at the UPS store and send the tshirts off to campusquilts.com (the company making the quilt)…go to Sears and get to school by 6pm.

Today’s quote…”Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.” by Gilbert K Chesterton     I have many fences…some made of twigs, therefore they are easily destroyed. The fence that, without a doubt, is the one that will forever be impenetrable is the part of my heart that will forever belong to Craig. But just as Craig holds a portion of my heart…so does Sarge. The only difference is that Craig’s will forever be frozen in time with a love that will never be replaced. Sarge’s is ever evolving…ever growing with each passing day.

I am thankful for…that Craig left me in a financial state that allowed me to pay off all debt, pay for my schooling and quit work for the last 2 years so I could fulfill “our” dream of my getting a college education. I am also extremely thankful that Sarge supports me in a way that allows me to focus solely on school! He is there for me to cook and clean…bringing dinner to me as I sit at the computer writing Litigation Complaints and Answering Interrogatories. He is there for me emotionally on those days that I don’t want to look at one more powerpoint…would rather stay home than go to school…and when the memories/pain/anger of losing Craig cause me to have a breakdown

From my kitchen…I am preparing to make a vast assortment of cupcakes for my Public Speaking class. Why? (lmao) We have a demonstrative speech to give next week, therefore we must come up with a speech that lasts between 4 - 6 minutes and something we must be able to show “qualifications” for. Mine will be on “The simplicity of decorating a cupcake”. Having gone to Le Cordon Bleu while living in Arizona, I thought this would be a very simple project to undertake…and teach!

I am wearing…Black danskin workout pants and a cream colored Indian motorcycle long sleeve t-shirt

I am creating (crafts, sewing, etc)…I’m still working on the camouflage scarf I’m knitting for Sarge. Hopefully he’ll get to enjoy it this winter!

Becoming well read…As anyone who has seen the book “The Dome” by Stephen King…and knows what taking 7 classes does with all of your free time…know that I am still reading this book! Hopefully I will finish it within the next month! J

I manifest and co-create (my hopes, dreams, prayers)…I am hoping that our 2 week trip to Maine (Sarges’ hometown) will allow me the opportunity to see a Nor’easter! The northern states just experienced one this past weekend…getting up to 30” of snow in October!

Today’s melody…I’m Gonna Love You Through It  by: Martina McBride  (This song makes me think so much of my Mom and I cry every time I hear it!)

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.”

One of my favorite things…OMG! I love my Ugg boots!! I wore them this weekend while we were up in the mountains visiting my son…and not only are the warm, but they are so freaking comfortable! Why did I wait so long to buy a pair?!

Future plans for the week…Today I am sending Craig’s t-shirts off to have a memorial quilt made. On Friday my daughter and son-in-law will have their nephews up from Fayetteville. They have invited us spend Friday with them to go see the movie “Puss-in-Boots” and to Dave & Busters for dinner…which we are going to do.

Still Life…I remembered that today is the 29^th anniversary of mine and my first husband’s first date. Even though we are now divorced, we remain good friends (Sarge and I were at his house this past weekend)…and it made me think of this screensaver I had:

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time...

Back before meeting and dating someone you met via the Internet was acceptable...

There existed a man and woman destined to meet and fall in love. This is also a journey that almost never happened...

Having been back in the singles world for roughly 4 years...I was tired of dating. I was a single mom of 2 teenagers...worked 2 jobs...was a volunteer firefighter and first responder...and was sick of going through the obligatory and repetitious first dates that continuously left me feeling that there had to be someone who held the same passion for life that I held. I was so tired of the same old boring and dull men, that I had decided I was going to take a break form the dating scene. I wanted to just take a nice breather so I didn't end up being a bitter old spinster. That was...until I met Craig.

In late February of 2002, I received my first email from a gentleman who was looking for a friend to "introduce" him to life in North Carolina. This gentleman was Craig Francis Sanders.

He introduced himself as being 6'2", British and a biker...and sent a picture of him sitting on his custom bike. As I looked at his picture, all I thought was..."British biker?! That's an oxymoron...there's no such thing as a British biker!". I loved the way he looked...but then again, how many of us girls don't love bad-boys?! As I continued to stare at his picture...trying to imagine this big, tattooed, burly looking guy having a British accent...I just couldn't imagine why he would want anything to do with me. I wasn't a biker chic and was actually intimidated by bikers. I had already been down the bad-boy road and wasn't fond of ever visiting it again...and besides, I had just sworn off dating...so I deleted the e-mail.

A week later...on a Friday...I received my 2nd e-mail from him. Well, I thought, at least he was persistent! :-) After receiving this email, I decided to write him back...and if nothing else, we could end up being friends. I then sat down and wrote him. With it being a Friday morning...and me somehow managing to have the weekend off...I gave him my home phone number and my cell phone number and asked him to just give me a call when he was free. I, then, waited to hear back from him...checking my e-mails every once in a while in the event he felt more comfortable writing me back instead of calling. Friday came and went...nothing. Saturday...nothing! Sunday...nothing!! I thought he must either be this real big jerk or I wrote something that he didn't like in my email to him. So, on Monday morning...as I am getting ready to go to work...I am re-reading my email to him just to see if there was something that he could have misconstrued...and I couldn't find anything. Until...I happened to notice the email address I sent it to. His was "limeybarstard"...I sent it to "limeybastard"!

I immediately sent an apologetic email...with the original email attached...and within 30 minutes he responded back, laughing at my mistake yet still interested in finding that "friend" to help him acclimate himself into the North Carolina life. We spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth to each other...him calling me on his lunch break...him calling me at work (I was a manager with Wendy's at the time) just to see how my evening was going...and then me calling him when I got home from work (which was 3:30am) and talking until 6am, when he had to get in the shower and get ready for work. This pace of communication continued all week long...with my hoping that we would meet face to face that upcoming weekend. Imagine my disappointment when he wanted to wait because his father was in town (from England) and he didn't feel that it would be right to leave his Dad all alone while we went out. Well...little did he know...Nancy usually gets what Nancy wants (lmao)...and we finally made plans to meet that Sunday for breakfast (with his Dad being very supportive in our meeting). 14 hours later we parted...both of us knowing that we found something very special and with plans for me to come down to his place in Mooresville (I was living in Mars Hill at the time), meet his Dad, and stay the weekend with him.

I could go on and on about how we spent the next week with the phone glued to our ears...how honored I was to have that weekend with Craig's dad (for he passed away not too long after our meeting)...and how, after seeing his dad off at the airport), Craig got down on one knee and proposed to me, but I will save that for another day.

For a relationship that "almost" didn't happen...it was the most amazing, loving, fun-filled, heart-warming, adventurous time of my life. One that I will forever be grateful for and never understand why it ended to soon.

Why Marriage?

Originally posted on Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 5:33pm


Why Marriage?
Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person...
with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
who won't hold them against me,
who loves me when I'm unlikeable,
who sees the small child in me, and
who looks for the devine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night,
with someone who thanks God for me,
with someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
to grow in love and in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
to be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail...people fail
when they enter into marriage
expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise to take full responsibility
for my spirtual, mental and physical wholeness...

I create me.
I take half the responsibility for my marriage...
Together, we create our marriage.

Because with this understanding...
The possibilities are endless.


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Craig was behind this.....

originally posted on October 26, 2009 at 12:57am

On Saturday, 10/17/09...I decided to spend the day unpacking some of Craig's things that I definitely wanted to display in my new place (actually, I think most people would be surprised to see that everywhere you turn in my new place there is another picture of Craig...or items that belonged to Craig. It's just a scaled down version of the home we shared on Union Rd. LOL) The one thing he loved to display were his limited edition motorcycles. So...I drag the curio cabinet from it's temporary home (the second bedroom...which is now the storage area) and place it in the livingroom where I can proudly display those motorcycles, pictures of Craig on various bikes, and other related items.
For the longest time I debated as to how I wanted to display Craig's motorcycle helmets...and made the decision to somehow arrange them on top of the curio cabinet. Once I got everything else all set up...I unpacked his helmets. As I was cleaning off his full-faced helmet...his riding gloves fell out. These were the Kawasaki riding gloves I bought him a couple of years ago for Christmas...along with a Kawasaki hat and messenger bag (because he had just bought a Kawasaki bike to ride back and forth to work on when we lived in Huntington Beach. CA). Anyway...it was very bitter sweet to see that he still wore those same gloves! So, of course, I decided I had to find some way to display them along with his helmets. I finally got everything arranged...and was very pleased with the way everything flowed together. All evening, I kept looking at the different items and thinking of Craig!
The next morning Jonathan arrived (he was my care taker during this last surgery...poor guy!!) as I am in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He comes in...looks at the curio cabinet...and the very first words out of his mouth were: "Who are you telling to F**k off? Everyone?" I was completely baffled by the question. I had no clue what the heck he was talking about! He then had me come out of the kitchen...stand in front of the curio cabinet...and look at the way I displayed Craig's gloves. OMG!! I laughed until I cried! I had looked at that cabinet all evening and never once even noticed the obscene arrangement of his gloves! Without a doubt...someway, somehow...I know Craig was behind my arranging them this way! Cause if you knew Craig...it is absolutely something he would do!!!!




The "obscene gesture"




The Christmas Craig received the hat and gloves. I love his smile...it was always so warm and genuine!

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Craig wants me to call him....

Originally posted Sunday July 26, 2009

Lol...no, I've not lost my mind (ok...well, maybe I have, but that's something completely different than this!). Let me explain:
On Tuesday of this week, Ashley was napping on the couch...I was in the kitchen making my coffee...and all of a sudden I hear Ashley asking "Have you called Craig?". I hesitated...thought for a minute about whether or not I really heard her ask what she asked...and then responded "What?" (intelligent response, I know! lol) She then preceeds to respond "Craig wants you to call him." I am taken a bit off gaurd with her statements...walk to the livingroom and realize she is still asleep, but talking as loud as if she were awake and meaning to be heard! I chuckled and replied "Well, baby, if you can figure out a way for me to call Craig...I will be more than happy to call him!". She then wakes up and tells me that she was having a dream that Craig was hugging me and telling me that he was so happy that I was doing what I have always wanted to do (re: my facelift). What a warm, wonderful feeling it was to hear that!
In all the books I have devoured since Craig's passing...one of the common denominators that "spiritualist" tend to convey to mourners is that our loved ones will visit us in our dreams and pass along messages. Since Craig's passing...Ashley has been my conduit to Craig in the dream world. Craig knows that I sleep "hard"...and I very seldom ever remember any of my dreams, but Ashley has had several dreams with Craig in them and can remember every little detail!
I choose to believe...because it comforts me to know he is still around...watching, protecting, and still loving me! And if anyone can figure out how in the heck I am suppose to call him...drop me a note...PLEASE! ;^)


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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King size bed for one...

Originally posted Sunday June 28, 2009

Since I am sharing pictures...here is another one. First...Vanessa...don't read this and cry. I am just relaying "information"...I'm not trying to make myself sound pitiful (lol...which I am...but that's a whole other subject matter...lol).
This is/was (I still have a hard time with knowing the right terminology to us) mine and Craig's bed. We purchased the bedroom suite about 2 or 3 months before he passed away. We went from a California King to an Eastern King (difference being is that a California King is long and more narrow...with the Eastern King being wider and shorter). Being one who has always hugged the edge of the bed (why? Hell if I know...lol) when sleeping...and who doesn't toss and turn in her sleep...noticed the other morning what I have done to compensate for sleeping in the big, huge bed alone. Lol Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny...but, "wierd" funny) how the subconscience mind works?
Notice how I have "surrounded" the area I sleep in with pillows? I guess it's to make the bed seem smaller. And poor Craig's side of the bed...is just stacked with all the extra pillows I keep on the bed. (And yes...I do sleep with the remotes! lmao) {See the pillows that "match" the comforter? Those are King size pillows...if that gives you any idea as to how wide this bed really is!!!



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Fathers Day

Originally posted Tuesday June 23, 2009

I know I can harp on and on about what a great man/husband/friend (etc) Craig was, but there will never be a better testiment to his character than how he was viewed as a "father"! Ashley (my duaghter) was 14 years old when Craig came into our life. Just leaving the middle schoolyears behind her and heading into that glorious high school era...she was a bonafide drama queen! (Any of my friends who have/had teenage girls wil know what I am talking about. lol) Craig, God rest his soul, stepped in and was the most wonderful dad to Ashley. To help show that I am not being my biased self (where Craig is concerned)...this is what I woke up to on Sunday morning (Father's Day):
When I came in to the livingroom...on the table where I have the picture of Craig from the memorial service, the Indian motorcycle that was in the flowers that Mark Moses sent, an angel (that was in another spray of flowers), a single red rose from the beautiful bouquet that Indian Motorcycle sent, an English Ivy plant, and last but not least...Craig's ashes, I noticed a piece of paper propped up against Craig's picture. This is what it said:
"Happy Father's Day Dad! I miss you so much! I hope you are doing good (I know you are). I wish you were here! You were a wonderful Dad to me, Thank you so much! I love you! And please keep watching and taking care of mama. I love you, Ashley"
What a glorious statement as to the type of man Craig was!


This is my favorite picture of Craig and Ashley. It was taken on Santa Monica Beach in August of 2003.

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Tattoo

Originally posted Saturday May 23, 2009

First of all...before I even get started on the story of why I chose the tattoo design I did...let me just remind everyone...
It's just very simple. It has extremely sentimental meaning to me...and it's a "part" of Craig!

The Story:
When Craig and I were first dating...and in the process of planning our wedding...we were in Michael's Craft Store one day. I was in the back of the store...carrying my little handcart around...picking out items I needed to make my wedding bouquet. Craig...well, who knows where he was. He just wasn't with me! Lol
The stores muzak system began to play "Always and Forever" by Heatwave. The next thing I knew...Craig appeared...took the hand cart out of my hands and sat it on the floor...proceeded to pull me in his arms and slow dance with me as he sang along with the song. (Craig has a beautiful singing voice!!) From that day forward...anytime we were together and we would hear that song, Craig would make a big production out of singing it to me! He was never, ever shy about publicly displaying how very much he loved and cared for me.
Fast forward to when Craig was in ICU (right before he passed away). It was just he and I and I sat on the bed facing Craig. I had been running my fingers through his hair and just talking to him. I then put my arms around his neck...leaned in to where my mouth was very close to his ears...and I sang "Always and Forever" to him...remembering back on that beautiful day in Michael's.
When Pat Bolin (again...thank you Pat!) suggested I tattoo my name in his handwriting on me...I thought it would mean more to me to have Craig's name. I went home one evening after work...took out all the cards that Craig had given to me over the last 7 years...and searched for just the right signature! (Not only did I love his singing...but I loved his handwriting, too! Oh hell...I just loved HIM! lol) Apparently I had never paid close enough attention...or put too much thought in to it, but I began to notice a recurring theme in quiet a few of his cards to me. Whenever he would sign the card...regardless of all the other sentiments he would write in them...he would also write "Always and Forever" Craig xxxxxoooooxxxxx (He also always put 5 x's, 5 o's, 5 x's after his name...even in his emails to me)
Through all the tears I was crying (and there were a lot of them!!) I noticed that in one of the Valentine's Day cards his gave me, he also added a couple of music notes around the "Always and Forever" part. I knew at that moment...when seeing that specific card...that was what I wanted! I wanted it put on my wirst where I can ALWAYS see it (Craig could never understand people putting tattoos where you couldn't see them yourself)...and forever be reminded of what we had and just how very much we loved each other! It is placed where I wear my watch...that way it won't be so obvious when it might be inappropriate.



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Too Funny...

(Originally published Sunday, April 19, 2009)

Let me share this story with you. Lol It just shows that I really am losing it...

Craig would never go to bed unless I was ready to go to bed also. Once there, he would try everything in his power to let me be the first one to fall asleep. See...my sweet husband was a snorer...and a very loud snorer at that! As long as he let me get to sleep first...rarely would his snoring bother me. But every once in a while...if I was coming out of my deep sleep and I would hear Craig snoring, I would gently shake his shoulder and say "Craig honey, you're snoring, roll over"...and he would mumble he was sorry and roll over. That would then stop the snoring long enough for me to get back into a deep sleep. (In the 7 years we were together, the only time we didn't sleep together was when he was out of town on business. This was something he was passionate about!)

Well, the first few weeks after Craig passed away, out dog Morgan slept with me every single night. It was comforting to me because it gave weight to the other side of the bed and didn't make it seem as lonely (Morgan weighs about 95 pounds)...and Morgan would, every once in a while, snore! One of those nights when he started his snoring, I found myself...just awake enough to know that he was snoring...gently shaking him and on the verge of asking him to roll over! Lol That was, until I realized...that wasn't Craig, that was the dog!

It was so sad...but yet so funny! Just goes to prove...I really am losing it...and it should be pretty entertaining to watch me as I do! Lol

A Poem...

In The Darkness Of The Woods

By: Donna Novack

Shall I meet you in the woods

And stand amidst the trees

Surrounded by what was and what is soon to be

Peer up at the sun

And hope to find you there

Breath in the perfumed lilacs that cover my despair

Shall I search inside the mist

Are you that close to me?

Hidden in the shadows so that I can barely see

Shall I at long last find you

With a love that's understood

Or continue on the wander

Through the darkness of the woods

(originally posted February 25, 2009)

Craig...the love of my life...the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days on earth with...the one I waited 38 years for...dies much too soon. I wish I could tell everyone what happened...but even I still don't know. I mean, I know the ABC's of what happened:

He was seen in the ER on Thursday...discharged home Thursday afternoon...and in full arrest by 4am on Friday morning.

We now must wait for the autopsy report, which will take anywhere from 2-6 months.

In the meantime I sit and replay Thursday Feb. 12 over and over in my mind. What was it that I didn't notice? why didn't I take him back to the ER? Why was he released in the first place? What should I have done different?

And then we start with the selfish questions:

How could you leave me? Why did you leave me? Is there something I could have done differently? Are you mad at me for not saving you? All the typical "grief" questions one tends to ask themselves when something so unexpectedly happens. But questions, none-the-less, that I will probably never know get answers to. Well, at least not until I reach the other side.

As soon as I know...I will let everyone else know. Until then, just know that he should not have passed away...and I will not rest until the answers are clear!

25 Things...

(Originally posted Thursday, February 5, 2009)

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I love being the "devil's advocate"...I will argue/question a point just for the sake of doing so.

2. Only in the last few years have I realized that I am a lot smarter than I ever gave myself credit for.

3. As much as it pains me to say...I really do miss living in Huntington Beach, California.

4. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow...this has been one hell of an adventure and if I could change only one thing it would be to have me Craig (my husband) much sooner.

5. Regardless of the "cold-hearted" woman I like to think I am...I'm really just a big old softy who cries at even commercials!

6. Until Craig...I had never lived more than 25 miles from my childhood home, traveled further east than Myrtle Beach or further west than Memphis. Since Craig...I have lived in Mooresville NC, Phoenix AZ, Huntington Beach CA, & Gastonia NC...traveled overseas to Manchester England (Craig's hometown)...flown back and forth across the country several times...and realized the world is a lot smaller than I thought.

7. Even though my mom has been dead going on 32 years...I still cry when I think of her.

8 . I am absolutely amazed at how close my daughter and I are...and what a great relationship we have. There was a day I would have pictured things differently.

9. I am proud of my son...through think and thin, trials and tribulations...he's a true mamma's boy and he will persevere. =)

10. I can't believe that I have become one of "those" that pamper their pets...have made them my surrogate children...and spend way too much money to cater to their finicky ways. (Actually, my daughter will say that I treat them better than I did my own kids.)

11. I have come to realize that even though (or because) I spent the majority of my life in the customer service industry...I just don't like people! lol Ok...I exaggerate...I just don't like the majority of people.

12. I use to be a smoker...Marlboro 100's...red packs.

13. I sincerely miss being a firefighter and first responder.

14. I have a short temper...and a mouth like a sailor (at times).

15. I am an adrenaline junkie...life is short...I like knowing (and feeling) I am alive!

16. I am a "Southerner"...don't ever call me "country"! There is a difference!

17. I can't believe that it's already been 7 years since Craig and I met. Some days it feels as if I have known him my whole life and other days it seems like we just met.

18. I really am not fond of getting up and going to the gym at 3:30am...but it's easier than going in the evening after work.

19. I have left explicit instructions as to my wishes for when I die: I want to be cremated...combined with Craig's ashes when he passes away...and spread "together" in the gardens where Craig's parents were spread (Stockport, England)

20. I am a true Taurus in every sense of the definition.

21. My dream is to go to Germany.

22. I have little tolerance for ignorance or ignorant people.

23. I love the way Craig and I act like little kids when we are together. It can be very therapeutic!

24. I am thankful everyday that I work in an office with a group of girls/women that are just as full of "crap" as I am...lol!

25. As narcissistic as I am, at times...I can't believe how hard this was!

Merging...

In the desire to streamline my blogging activities, I am merging what I have previously posted in facebook with The Dowager's Bemusement.

The next few posts are the earliest post I made in regards to dealing with the death of Craig.

Please forgive me if you have already read them.

How we survive...

How we survive...

If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.

If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wench of being torn apart;
of being reminded that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.

So we must cherish them without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us...someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid during the day
and
fall into at night.

Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit...
spiritually or physically...
hoping to find them there.

And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when our breath is crushed
under the weight of the silence
and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...

The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made me feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, we fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end...
that is how they would want it to be.


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:Sitting in the den @ home

A moment with my thoughts...

Today, I was able to lose myself in thought as I walked along the shores. I felt the sun on my face...the sand and water between my toes...and an inner peace within my soul that I've come to know as "Craig".
As I quietly walked along the beach I carried on an inner dialogue, just as I do on a day-to-day basis, with Craig.
"I love you Craig. Do you still love me?"
"I miss you Craig. Do you miss me?
"Thank you for being my guardian angel...please don't ever leave me...and please, please, please wait for me!"
As I quietly stood with the sun beaming on my face...staring off into the horizon...I felt peace. I asked Craig to please give me some kind of sign that he was there with me. As I turned to leave, I looked down and as the wave swept across the sand...the most beautiful "worry-stone" appeared. I picked it up and felt the cool smoothness of it's surface...and I just "knew". This was my sign. This was Craig telling me that he would never leave my side...especially in times of stress and worry.
Today. Today was a very good day!

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:Ocracoke Island, NC

Dearest Craig...

Dearest Craig...

I keep looking for you...everywhere and in every face.

Even though I know you're gone.

Even though I know you can't come back.

But I have to take 1 small step forward.

I have to appreciate the new life I have here.

I can picture you nodding in agreement,

Telling me it's going to be ok.

For all of us...

It's going to be ok.

Guess what?

I Love You...

Me xoxoxo

Life Lessons From A Dog

Life Lessons from a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Enjoy it when someone wants to rub your tummy.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
Run right back and make friends.

I don't know who wrote this, but after getting Morgan (my chocolate lab)...these are definite lessons I should take from him! :-)

Book of Days

Outside My Window
It is 10:10pm, therefore I see nothing. But as I sit here...alone...in the silence of the evening...I can hear the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking outside my window! :-)

My Thoughts
I am contemplating what plans I should make for the upcoming 4th of July. With the temperatures hovering in the mid 90's, my gut reaction is to stay indoors where it is cool...but the kid in me wants to find a festival, be out among others looking to celebrate the holiday, enjoy a bbq, and stick around for a beautiful display of fireworks!
Which one will win out? That is a decision that will more than likely take place the morning of July 4.

Today's Quote
"Forgive me my nonsense as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense."

I Am Thankful For
My dog Morgan. He always knows when I need to be comforted...lying across my lap...looking at me with those big, brown, sad looking eyes begging to be petted! He is able to bring a serenity within me that no human can come close to.

From My Kitchen
This past weekend I tried two new recipes:
1. Not Yo Mama's Pasta Salad...aka: Bacon and Tomato Pasta Salad
2. Margarita Cake
The pasta salad, if I make it again, will be tweaked a little bit...and the Margaria Cake was absolutely amazing!

I Am Wearing
A white tiger striped night shirt

I Am Creating
Sarge makes custom leather journals...and after much pleading (lol)...he finally finished mine! Since I collect post cards from places I visit, this journal is being made into a travel journal of Sarge & snOw (my nickname)

My Adventures This Week
Monday I drove up to Asheville and spent the day with my son. We went to see "The Green Lantern" after spending the majority of the day supporting a friend of ours in a custody issue.
Tuesday was spent blackberry picking with Sarge. As of now, I have enough blackberries to do at least 3 runs of jam. I still need more to just can (blackberry juice is awesome for a belly ache!)
Today or tomorrow, Sarge and I are going into Charlotte to check out some motorcycles. I want to get my bike license and am in the market for a Kawasaki Vulcan.
Next week...busy, busy, busy!!!

Becoming Well Read
A Visit From The Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan

I Manifest and Co-create (what are my hopes, dreams, prayers)
As I stated above, it is my dream to obtain my motorcycle endorsement on my drivers license, purchase a bike, and get back out on the open road!
I desperately miss riding! Craig was my biker...I loved "riding bitch"...enjoying the benefits of being able to just sit back and relax while he was in control. I've ridden once since his passing, and now I have decided it's time to get my own license and get back out there...on my own!

Today's Melody
Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

One Of My Favorite Things
My "new to me" treadmill! With putting on weight these last few months, getting back on the treadmill rejuvenates me! It's only been 12 days and I am already down 10 lbs!

Future Plans
Next week, not only is it the 4th of July, but it is my grand-daughter and son-in-laws birthday (on the same day!). We are attending my grand-daughters birthday party on Thursday, then on Saturday we are taking my daughter, son-in-law, his brother and his 2 nephews to Ft. Jackson for the day. (The water park at Ft Jackson is for military only on the weekends) The men are going to take advantage of the shooting range while my daughter, her nephews and I are going to hang out at the water park and pool. Then we are all going to go bowling and grill out by the lake! I can't wait to go!!

Still Life (a picture that speaks to me)


I need to trust myself more!

From My Training (skills, training, notes I would like to share)
My Westerrn Philosophy class is ending up being so much harder than I imagined and my Professional Research class is so much more enlightening and fun than I ever thought it could be! :-)

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:Sitting in the Den in my comfy chair...

Drafting Men Over 60

My "cousin-in-law", Pete, sent this to me and I just had to share it! It's too funny!

Drafting men over 60 (this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier)

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is dangerous. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some people that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so hey. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatic.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone able to outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million old dudes with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting Women over 50 too....in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!












~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:In my den...

Sarge (aka Norman)...

I write so much about Craig (which is my therapeutic outlet in helping deal with my grief), that it's time to veer off my normal path and write about Sarge. And what better place to start than at how we met.

Once upon a time...(lmao...my attempt at humor)

Home after a mentally exhausting day at work...sitting in the comfort and security of my living room...my standard one bubba burger (no bun, no vegetables...just the bubba burger because it was too much work to worry with anything else)...Morgan laying on the love seat beside me and Cesar laying on the opposite arm rest...feeling very sad and lonely, i decided to go online and look around. Just looking for a kind soul to talk to...Sarge appeared and started chatting. He was every bit a gentleman and we began to share life stories. How nice it was to feel like someone cared about the "woman" Nancy (I had lots of friends at work, but come 5pm they had their own families to go home to...and those that were friends outside of work, well, they were all married, too. I, personally, can only go along for so long feeling like a third wheel. And, of course, I had family...but again, they had spouses, jobs and lives of their own to live...and, God knows, I didn't want to become, or feel like I had become, a burden to anyone!!) We chatted for a day or two...and I realized I just could't do it. I felt like I was cheating on Craig...and it just felt so completely wrong!

Fast forward 6 months. I have moved from the huge home Craig and I shared, and have moved into a cute 2 bedroom apartment. I have to be honest, I don't know if I had even thought anymore about Sarge. I just know that one evening i am on line...he pops up...and he tells me how he had missed seeing me on line, chatting with me and wondered where I had gone to.

We talked for a few weeks and quickly became friends. I was stunned to find out he was living in Mars Hill, NC. I had spent 17 years living in that area when I was married to my first husband...and my adult son still lived there! Most importantly, he made me laugh! It had been so long since i had true laughter in my life, that to be around someone who could bring that back out in me was incredible! We then decided to meet face to face.

It was a Saturday and I already had plans to meet up with some friends in Darlington SC (my friends' husband was the lead singer of the band Cold Shot)...go to the club the band was performing at...spend the night and come home on Sunday. But before heading to Darlington, I made a side trip to Mars Hill. Ok...so it was massively out of my way, but I wanted to also visit with my son therefore I could combine the two visits and then head on to Darlington.

I met with my son that morning, having him hang around in the background when I went to meet Sarge in a public place for the very first time. After spending a little bit of time with Sarge and feeling very comfortable in the fact that I was safe, we gave Jonathan all of his contact details and Jonathan left. Sarge and I sat and talked for 8 solid hours. We laughed. We cried...me over Craig and him over his brother who was KIA in Iraq. We shared our childhood memories. We shared our hopes and dreams of the future...and then, with a sweet kiss, we parted ways.

With conflicting emotions...I began my drive to Darlington. Happy to be having a night out with my friends, yet conflicted over the pleasure and guilt I felt in physically meeting Sarge.

And that, my friends, is where our journey began....



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:Sitting at my dining room table

Drop Dead Diva

Yesterday I started watching the series Drop Dead Diva. I have been wanting to see this for quiet some time now...and thanks to NetFlix I can stream it straight to my iPad and start at the very beginning of the series.

For those that don't know what DDD is about, let me enlighten you in brief form:
A thin, beautiful model dies in a car wreck at the same time a full-figured attorney is shot and killed in her office. The model wants to come back...and is placed in the body of the overweight attorney. The model retains her memories and knowledge of her former self...obtains, in fragments, the intelligence of the attorney, and a mix of the two women emerge.

My desire to see the show has been from the standpoint of mindlessness. In watching the teasers about the show, it appeared to me to be a show of light entertainment and one that I could leisurely watch as I sit and do homework, yet one that I could find similarities with due to size and occupation. Imagine my surprise when I realized...the subtle messages of the show are causing me to take a good long look at myself and do some honest soul-searching as to who I've been, who I've tried to become and who I long to be. I have had to do some soul searching and come to grips with who the real Nancy is.

My entire life has been one of being the "f" word...fat. Starting in elementary school...Charles C Bell Elementary...I was put on diet pills and diets. One of the very last things my mom ever said to me was "Nancy, promise me when I die you will lose the weight." Right after she passed away (my very first day of high school), one of our neighbors was so kind as to start taking me to Weight Watchers with her...and from then on, it has been 35 years of fighting this burdensome, distressing, unrelenting battle!

While being married to Craig I had gotten to my heaviest. I weighed almost 400 lbs. And here is one of the reasons I love that man so freaking much...He loved me in-spite of myself!. He told me daily how very much in love with me he was...He was never ashamed to be seen in public with me and would never go anywhere without my company...He still, unbelievable, wanted to make love to me! I knew...for the love of Craig, for his fear of my dying too soon, and just for my ability to function on a daily basis...I had to lose weight. And I did!

With the death of Craig, I lost a great deal more weight...because I just quit eating! I had no appetite...no appetite for life and no appetite for food. I also realized...I no longer knew who I was. For 7 years I had been part of a team...Craig and Nancy. The only time you saw one without the other was when we were at work...and then we were on the phone all day long together (lol...just ask anybody I worked with!). I was now 46yrs old...alone...no direction...and a much, much slimmer body. It was then that I started with the plastic surgeries.

Even though I could...and did...justify the surgeries (they were very beneficial, even if I do say so myself)...I have come to believe it was something much deeper than "fixing the problems" of the see-saw battle with my weight. As I watch DDD, I am coming to realize I was trying to shed myself of the Nancy who was in agonizing pain of losing the man she thought she was going to grow old with. If I could get rid of her...I would stop hurting. If I could get rid of her...I could get rid of the guilt, the anger, the denial, the everything that came about with the death of Craig. It didn'tt work...because the weight is coming back!!

With all that being said...here is what watching DDD is showing me:

It's time that I accept who I am...chunky, fat, plus-size...it doesn't matter what you call it...I am who I am. But I am also articulate, intelligent, jovial, loyal, passionate, vivacious, etc, etc, etc. I am not going to spend the next 35yrs of my life driving myself crazy with dieting all the freaking time, apologizing for, once again, gaining weight and for falling short of what others think I should be. The next 35yrs is going to be spent focusing on the wonderfully positive aspects of Nancy...and I am going to LIVE!.

Thank you Drop Dead Diva for the spark it took to light the flame that is ME!


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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Location:Sweet Meadow Ln, Clover, United States