For those that don't know what DDD is about, let me enlighten you in brief form:
A thin, beautiful model dies in a car wreck at the same time a full-figured attorney is shot and killed in her office. The model wants to come back...and is placed in the body of the overweight attorney. The model retains her memories and knowledge of her former self...obtains, in fragments, the intelligence of the attorney, and a mix of the two women emerge.
My desire to see the show has been from the standpoint of mindlessness. In watching the teasers about the show, it appeared to me to be a show of light entertainment and one that I could leisurely watch as I sit and do homework, yet one that I could find similarities with due to size and occupation. Imagine my surprise when I realized...the subtle messages of the show are causing me to take a good long look at myself and do some honest soul-searching as to who I've been, who I've tried to become and who I long to be. I have had to do some soul searching and come to grips with who the real Nancy is.
My entire life has been one of being the "f" word...fat. Starting in elementary school...Charles C Bell Elementary...I was put on diet pills and diets. One of the very last things my mom ever said to me was "Nancy, promise me when I die you will lose the weight." Right after she passed away (my very first day of high school), one of our neighbors was
While being married to Craig I had gotten to my heaviest. I weighed almost 400 lbs. And here is one of the reasons I love that man so freaking much...He loved me in-spite of myself!. He told me daily how very much in love with me he was...He was never ashamed to be seen in public with me and would never go anywhere without my company...He still, unbelievable, wanted to make love to me! I knew...for the love of Craig, for his fear of my dying too soon, and just for my ability to function on a daily basis...I had to lose weight. And I did!
With the death of Craig, I lost a great deal more weight...because I just quit eating! I had no appetite...no appetite for life and no appetite for food. I also realized...I no longer knew who I was. For 7 years I had been part of a team...Craig and Nancy. The only time you saw one without the other was when we were at work...and then we were on the phone all day long together (lol...just ask anybody I worked with!). I was now 46yrs old...alone...no direction...and a much, much slimmer body. It was then that I started with the plastic surgeries.
Even though I could...and did...justify the surgeries (they were very beneficial, even if I do say so myself)...I have come to believe it was something much deeper than "fixing the problems" of the see-saw battle with my weight. As I watch DDD, I am coming to realize I was trying to shed myself of the Nancy who was in agonizing pain of losing the man she thought she was going to grow old with. If I could get rid of her...I would stop hurting. If I could get rid of her...I could get rid of the guilt, the anger, the denial, the everything that came about with the death of Craig. It didn'tt work...because the weight is coming back!!
With all that being said...here is what watching DDD is showing me:
It's time that I accept who I am...chunky, fat, plus-size...it doesn't matter what you call it...I am who I am. But I am also articulate, intelligent, jovial, loyal, passionate, vivacious, etc, etc, etc. I am not going to spend the next 35yrs of my life driving myself crazy with dieting all the freaking time, apologizing for, once again, gaining weight and for falling short of what others think I should be. The next 35yrs is going to be spent focusing on the wonderfully positive aspects of Nancy...and I am going to LIVE!.
Thank you Drop Dead Diva for the spark it took to light the flame that is ME!
~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
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