Book of Days

Book of Days    10/31/2011

Outside my window…The sun is shining brightly, the cows are lying in the pasture, and I can see my Morgan bathing in the sunlight in the front yard. (I’ve noticed that since my time with Craig, that I have picked up his habit of referring to things as “mine”. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but Craig had a tendency to do this!)

My thoughts…Right this very second my thoughts are on “time”. It is pushing 1pm…I still have to package Craig’s tshirts for mailing…take a shower and get ready for school tonight…stop off at the UPS store and send the tshirts off to campusquilts.com (the company making the quilt)…go to Sears and get to school by 6pm.

Today’s quote…”Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.” by Gilbert K Chesterton     I have many fences…some made of twigs, therefore they are easily destroyed. The fence that, without a doubt, is the one that will forever be impenetrable is the part of my heart that will forever belong to Craig. But just as Craig holds a portion of my heart…so does Sarge. The only difference is that Craig’s will forever be frozen in time with a love that will never be replaced. Sarge’s is ever evolving…ever growing with each passing day.

I am thankful for…that Craig left me in a financial state that allowed me to pay off all debt, pay for my schooling and quit work for the last 2 years so I could fulfill “our” dream of my getting a college education. I am also extremely thankful that Sarge supports me in a way that allows me to focus solely on school! He is there for me to cook and clean…bringing dinner to me as I sit at the computer writing Litigation Complaints and Answering Interrogatories. He is there for me emotionally on those days that I don’t want to look at one more powerpoint…would rather stay home than go to school…and when the memories/pain/anger of losing Craig cause me to have a breakdown

From my kitchen…I am preparing to make a vast assortment of cupcakes for my Public Speaking class. Why? (lmao) We have a demonstrative speech to give next week, therefore we must come up with a speech that lasts between 4 - 6 minutes and something we must be able to show “qualifications” for. Mine will be on “The simplicity of decorating a cupcake”. Having gone to Le Cordon Bleu while living in Arizona, I thought this would be a very simple project to undertake…and teach!

I am wearing…Black danskin workout pants and a cream colored Indian motorcycle long sleeve t-shirt

I am creating (crafts, sewing, etc)…I’m still working on the camouflage scarf I’m knitting for Sarge. Hopefully he’ll get to enjoy it this winter!

Becoming well read…As anyone who has seen the book “The Dome” by Stephen King…and knows what taking 7 classes does with all of your free time…know that I am still reading this book! Hopefully I will finish it within the next month! J

I manifest and co-create (my hopes, dreams, prayers)…I am hoping that our 2 week trip to Maine (Sarges’ hometown) will allow me the opportunity to see a Nor’easter! The northern states just experienced one this past weekend…getting up to 30” of snow in October!

Today’s melody…I’m Gonna Love You Through It  by: Martina McBride  (This song makes me think so much of my Mom and I cry every time I hear it!)

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.”

One of my favorite things…OMG! I love my Ugg boots!! I wore them this weekend while we were up in the mountains visiting my son…and not only are the warm, but they are so freaking comfortable! Why did I wait so long to buy a pair?!

Future plans for the week…Today I am sending Craig’s t-shirts off to have a memorial quilt made. On Friday my daughter and son-in-law will have their nephews up from Fayetteville. They have invited us spend Friday with them to go see the movie “Puss-in-Boots” and to Dave & Busters for dinner…which we are going to do.

Still Life…I remembered that today is the 29^th anniversary of mine and my first husband’s first date. Even though we are now divorced, we remain good friends (Sarge and I were at his house this past weekend)…and it made me think of this screensaver I had:

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time...

Back before meeting and dating someone you met via the Internet was acceptable...

There existed a man and woman destined to meet and fall in love. This is also a journey that almost never happened...

Having been back in the singles world for roughly 4 years...I was tired of dating. I was a single mom of 2 teenagers...worked 2 jobs...was a volunteer firefighter and first responder...and was sick of going through the obligatory and repetitious first dates that continuously left me feeling that there had to be someone who held the same passion for life that I held. I was so tired of the same old boring and dull men, that I had decided I was going to take a break form the dating scene. I wanted to just take a nice breather so I didn't end up being a bitter old spinster. That was...until I met Craig.

In late February of 2002, I received my first email from a gentleman who was looking for a friend to "introduce" him to life in North Carolina. This gentleman was Craig Francis Sanders.

He introduced himself as being 6'2", British and a biker...and sent a picture of him sitting on his custom bike. As I looked at his picture, all I thought was..."British biker?! That's an oxymoron...there's no such thing as a British biker!". I loved the way he looked...but then again, how many of us girls don't love bad-boys?! As I continued to stare at his picture...trying to imagine this big, tattooed, burly looking guy having a British accent...I just couldn't imagine why he would want anything to do with me. I wasn't a biker chic and was actually intimidated by bikers. I had already been down the bad-boy road and wasn't fond of ever visiting it again...and besides, I had just sworn off dating...so I deleted the e-mail.

A week later...on a Friday...I received my 2nd e-mail from him. Well, I thought, at least he was persistent! :-) After receiving this email, I decided to write him back...and if nothing else, we could end up being friends. I then sat down and wrote him. With it being a Friday morning...and me somehow managing to have the weekend off...I gave him my home phone number and my cell phone number and asked him to just give me a call when he was free. I, then, waited to hear back from him...checking my e-mails every once in a while in the event he felt more comfortable writing me back instead of calling. Friday came and went...nothing. Saturday...nothing! Sunday...nothing!! I thought he must either be this real big jerk or I wrote something that he didn't like in my email to him. So, on Monday morning...as I am getting ready to go to work...I am re-reading my email to him just to see if there was something that he could have misconstrued...and I couldn't find anything. Until...I happened to notice the email address I sent it to. His was "limeybarstard"...I sent it to "limeybastard"!

I immediately sent an apologetic email...with the original email attached...and within 30 minutes he responded back, laughing at my mistake yet still interested in finding that "friend" to help him acclimate himself into the North Carolina life. We spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth to each other...him calling me on his lunch break...him calling me at work (I was a manager with Wendy's at the time) just to see how my evening was going...and then me calling him when I got home from work (which was 3:30am) and talking until 6am, when he had to get in the shower and get ready for work. This pace of communication continued all week long...with my hoping that we would meet face to face that upcoming weekend. Imagine my disappointment when he wanted to wait because his father was in town (from England) and he didn't feel that it would be right to leave his Dad all alone while we went out. Well...little did he know...Nancy usually gets what Nancy wants (lmao)...and we finally made plans to meet that Sunday for breakfast (with his Dad being very supportive in our meeting). 14 hours later we parted...both of us knowing that we found something very special and with plans for me to come down to his place in Mooresville (I was living in Mars Hill at the time), meet his Dad, and stay the weekend with him.

I could go on and on about how we spent the next week with the phone glued to our ears...how honored I was to have that weekend with Craig's dad (for he passed away not too long after our meeting)...and how, after seeing his dad off at the airport), Craig got down on one knee and proposed to me, but I will save that for another day.

For a relationship that "almost" didn't happen...it was the most amazing, loving, fun-filled, heart-warming, adventurous time of my life. One that I will forever be grateful for and never understand why it ended to soon.

Why Marriage?

Originally posted on Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 5:33pm


Why Marriage?
Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person...
with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
who won't hold them against me,
who loves me when I'm unlikeable,
who sees the small child in me, and
who looks for the devine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night,
with someone who thanks God for me,
with someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
to grow in love and in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
to be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail...people fail
when they enter into marriage
expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise to take full responsibility
for my spirtual, mental and physical wholeness...

I create me.
I take half the responsibility for my marriage...
Together, we create our marriage.

Because with this understanding...
The possibilities are endless.


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Craig was behind this.....

originally posted on October 26, 2009 at 12:57am

On Saturday, 10/17/09...I decided to spend the day unpacking some of Craig's things that I definitely wanted to display in my new place (actually, I think most people would be surprised to see that everywhere you turn in my new place there is another picture of Craig...or items that belonged to Craig. It's just a scaled down version of the home we shared on Union Rd. LOL) The one thing he loved to display were his limited edition motorcycles. So...I drag the curio cabinet from it's temporary home (the second bedroom...which is now the storage area) and place it in the livingroom where I can proudly display those motorcycles, pictures of Craig on various bikes, and other related items.
For the longest time I debated as to how I wanted to display Craig's motorcycle helmets...and made the decision to somehow arrange them on top of the curio cabinet. Once I got everything else all set up...I unpacked his helmets. As I was cleaning off his full-faced helmet...his riding gloves fell out. These were the Kawasaki riding gloves I bought him a couple of years ago for Christmas...along with a Kawasaki hat and messenger bag (because he had just bought a Kawasaki bike to ride back and forth to work on when we lived in Huntington Beach. CA). Anyway...it was very bitter sweet to see that he still wore those same gloves! So, of course, I decided I had to find some way to display them along with his helmets. I finally got everything arranged...and was very pleased with the way everything flowed together. All evening, I kept looking at the different items and thinking of Craig!
The next morning Jonathan arrived (he was my care taker during this last surgery...poor guy!!) as I am in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He comes in...looks at the curio cabinet...and the very first words out of his mouth were: "Who are you telling to F**k off? Everyone?" I was completely baffled by the question. I had no clue what the heck he was talking about! He then had me come out of the kitchen...stand in front of the curio cabinet...and look at the way I displayed Craig's gloves. OMG!! I laughed until I cried! I had looked at that cabinet all evening and never once even noticed the obscene arrangement of his gloves! Without a doubt...someway, somehow...I know Craig was behind my arranging them this way! Cause if you knew Craig...it is absolutely something he would do!!!!




The "obscene gesture"




The Christmas Craig received the hat and gloves. I love his smile...it was always so warm and genuine!

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Craig wants me to call him....

Originally posted Sunday July 26, 2009

Lol...no, I've not lost my mind (ok...well, maybe I have, but that's something completely different than this!). Let me explain:
On Tuesday of this week, Ashley was napping on the couch...I was in the kitchen making my coffee...and all of a sudden I hear Ashley asking "Have you called Craig?". I hesitated...thought for a minute about whether or not I really heard her ask what she asked...and then responded "What?" (intelligent response, I know! lol) She then preceeds to respond "Craig wants you to call him." I am taken a bit off gaurd with her statements...walk to the livingroom and realize she is still asleep, but talking as loud as if she were awake and meaning to be heard! I chuckled and replied "Well, baby, if you can figure out a way for me to call Craig...I will be more than happy to call him!". She then wakes up and tells me that she was having a dream that Craig was hugging me and telling me that he was so happy that I was doing what I have always wanted to do (re: my facelift). What a warm, wonderful feeling it was to hear that!
In all the books I have devoured since Craig's passing...one of the common denominators that "spiritualist" tend to convey to mourners is that our loved ones will visit us in our dreams and pass along messages. Since Craig's passing...Ashley has been my conduit to Craig in the dream world. Craig knows that I sleep "hard"...and I very seldom ever remember any of my dreams, but Ashley has had several dreams with Craig in them and can remember every little detail!
I choose to believe...because it comforts me to know he is still around...watching, protecting, and still loving me! And if anyone can figure out how in the heck I am suppose to call him...drop me a note...PLEASE! ;^)


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

King size bed for one...

Originally posted Sunday June 28, 2009

Since I am sharing pictures...here is another one. First...Vanessa...don't read this and cry. I am just relaying "information"...I'm not trying to make myself sound pitiful (lol...which I am...but that's a whole other subject matter...lol).
This is/was (I still have a hard time with knowing the right terminology to us) mine and Craig's bed. We purchased the bedroom suite about 2 or 3 months before he passed away. We went from a California King to an Eastern King (difference being is that a California King is long and more narrow...with the Eastern King being wider and shorter). Being one who has always hugged the edge of the bed (why? Hell if I know...lol) when sleeping...and who doesn't toss and turn in her sleep...noticed the other morning what I have done to compensate for sleeping in the big, huge bed alone. Lol Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny...but, "wierd" funny) how the subconscience mind works?
Notice how I have "surrounded" the area I sleep in with pillows? I guess it's to make the bed seem smaller. And poor Craig's side of the bed...is just stacked with all the extra pillows I keep on the bed. (And yes...I do sleep with the remotes! lmao) {See the pillows that "match" the comforter? Those are King size pillows...if that gives you any idea as to how wide this bed really is!!!



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Fathers Day

Originally posted Tuesday June 23, 2009

I know I can harp on and on about what a great man/husband/friend (etc) Craig was, but there will never be a better testiment to his character than how he was viewed as a "father"! Ashley (my duaghter) was 14 years old when Craig came into our life. Just leaving the middle schoolyears behind her and heading into that glorious high school era...she was a bonafide drama queen! (Any of my friends who have/had teenage girls wil know what I am talking about. lol) Craig, God rest his soul, stepped in and was the most wonderful dad to Ashley. To help show that I am not being my biased self (where Craig is concerned)...this is what I woke up to on Sunday morning (Father's Day):
When I came in to the livingroom...on the table where I have the picture of Craig from the memorial service, the Indian motorcycle that was in the flowers that Mark Moses sent, an angel (that was in another spray of flowers), a single red rose from the beautiful bouquet that Indian Motorcycle sent, an English Ivy plant, and last but not least...Craig's ashes, I noticed a piece of paper propped up against Craig's picture. This is what it said:
"Happy Father's Day Dad! I miss you so much! I hope you are doing good (I know you are). I wish you were here! You were a wonderful Dad to me, Thank you so much! I love you! And please keep watching and taking care of mama. I love you, Ashley"
What a glorious statement as to the type of man Craig was!


This is my favorite picture of Craig and Ashley. It was taken on Santa Monica Beach in August of 2003.

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Tattoo

Originally posted Saturday May 23, 2009

First of all...before I even get started on the story of why I chose the tattoo design I did...let me just remind everyone...
It's just very simple. It has extremely sentimental meaning to me...and it's a "part" of Craig!

The Story:
When Craig and I were first dating...and in the process of planning our wedding...we were in Michael's Craft Store one day. I was in the back of the store...carrying my little handcart around...picking out items I needed to make my wedding bouquet. Craig...well, who knows where he was. He just wasn't with me! Lol
The stores muzak system began to play "Always and Forever" by Heatwave. The next thing I knew...Craig appeared...took the hand cart out of my hands and sat it on the floor...proceeded to pull me in his arms and slow dance with me as he sang along with the song. (Craig has a beautiful singing voice!!) From that day forward...anytime we were together and we would hear that song, Craig would make a big production out of singing it to me! He was never, ever shy about publicly displaying how very much he loved and cared for me.
Fast forward to when Craig was in ICU (right before he passed away). It was just he and I and I sat on the bed facing Craig. I had been running my fingers through his hair and just talking to him. I then put my arms around his neck...leaned in to where my mouth was very close to his ears...and I sang "Always and Forever" to him...remembering back on that beautiful day in Michael's.
When Pat Bolin (again...thank you Pat!) suggested I tattoo my name in his handwriting on me...I thought it would mean more to me to have Craig's name. I went home one evening after work...took out all the cards that Craig had given to me over the last 7 years...and searched for just the right signature! (Not only did I love his singing...but I loved his handwriting, too! Oh hell...I just loved HIM! lol) Apparently I had never paid close enough attention...or put too much thought in to it, but I began to notice a recurring theme in quiet a few of his cards to me. Whenever he would sign the card...regardless of all the other sentiments he would write in them...he would also write "Always and Forever" Craig xxxxxoooooxxxxx (He also always put 5 x's, 5 o's, 5 x's after his name...even in his emails to me)
Through all the tears I was crying (and there were a lot of them!!) I noticed that in one of the Valentine's Day cards his gave me, he also added a couple of music notes around the "Always and Forever" part. I knew at that moment...when seeing that specific card...that was what I wanted! I wanted it put on my wirst where I can ALWAYS see it (Craig could never understand people putting tattoos where you couldn't see them yourself)...and forever be reminded of what we had and just how very much we loved each other! It is placed where I wear my watch...that way it won't be so obvious when it might be inappropriate.



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Too Funny...

(Originally published Sunday, April 19, 2009)

Let me share this story with you. Lol It just shows that I really am losing it...

Craig would never go to bed unless I was ready to go to bed also. Once there, he would try everything in his power to let me be the first one to fall asleep. See...my sweet husband was a snorer...and a very loud snorer at that! As long as he let me get to sleep first...rarely would his snoring bother me. But every once in a while...if I was coming out of my deep sleep and I would hear Craig snoring, I would gently shake his shoulder and say "Craig honey, you're snoring, roll over"...and he would mumble he was sorry and roll over. That would then stop the snoring long enough for me to get back into a deep sleep. (In the 7 years we were together, the only time we didn't sleep together was when he was out of town on business. This was something he was passionate about!)

Well, the first few weeks after Craig passed away, out dog Morgan slept with me every single night. It was comforting to me because it gave weight to the other side of the bed and didn't make it seem as lonely (Morgan weighs about 95 pounds)...and Morgan would, every once in a while, snore! One of those nights when he started his snoring, I found myself...just awake enough to know that he was snoring...gently shaking him and on the verge of asking him to roll over! Lol That was, until I realized...that wasn't Craig, that was the dog!

It was so sad...but yet so funny! Just goes to prove...I really am losing it...and it should be pretty entertaining to watch me as I do! Lol

A Poem...

In The Darkness Of The Woods

By: Donna Novack

Shall I meet you in the woods

And stand amidst the trees

Surrounded by what was and what is soon to be

Peer up at the sun

And hope to find you there

Breath in the perfumed lilacs that cover my despair

Shall I search inside the mist

Are you that close to me?

Hidden in the shadows so that I can barely see

Shall I at long last find you

With a love that's understood

Or continue on the wander

Through the darkness of the woods

(originally posted February 25, 2009)

Craig...the love of my life...the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days on earth with...the one I waited 38 years for...dies much too soon. I wish I could tell everyone what happened...but even I still don't know. I mean, I know the ABC's of what happened:

He was seen in the ER on Thursday...discharged home Thursday afternoon...and in full arrest by 4am on Friday morning.

We now must wait for the autopsy report, which will take anywhere from 2-6 months.

In the meantime I sit and replay Thursday Feb. 12 over and over in my mind. What was it that I didn't notice? why didn't I take him back to the ER? Why was he released in the first place? What should I have done different?

And then we start with the selfish questions:

How could you leave me? Why did you leave me? Is there something I could have done differently? Are you mad at me for not saving you? All the typical "grief" questions one tends to ask themselves when something so unexpectedly happens. But questions, none-the-less, that I will probably never know get answers to. Well, at least not until I reach the other side.

As soon as I know...I will let everyone else know. Until then, just know that he should not have passed away...and I will not rest until the answers are clear!

25 Things...

(Originally posted Thursday, February 5, 2009)

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I love being the "devil's advocate"...I will argue/question a point just for the sake of doing so.

2. Only in the last few years have I realized that I am a lot smarter than I ever gave myself credit for.

3. As much as it pains me to say...I really do miss living in Huntington Beach, California.

4. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow...this has been one hell of an adventure and if I could change only one thing it would be to have me Craig (my husband) much sooner.

5. Regardless of the "cold-hearted" woman I like to think I am...I'm really just a big old softy who cries at even commercials!

6. Until Craig...I had never lived more than 25 miles from my childhood home, traveled further east than Myrtle Beach or further west than Memphis. Since Craig...I have lived in Mooresville NC, Phoenix AZ, Huntington Beach CA, & Gastonia NC...traveled overseas to Manchester England (Craig's hometown)...flown back and forth across the country several times...and realized the world is a lot smaller than I thought.

7. Even though my mom has been dead going on 32 years...I still cry when I think of her.

8 . I am absolutely amazed at how close my daughter and I are...and what a great relationship we have. There was a day I would have pictured things differently.

9. I am proud of my son...through think and thin, trials and tribulations...he's a true mamma's boy and he will persevere. =)

10. I can't believe that I have become one of "those" that pamper their pets...have made them my surrogate children...and spend way too much money to cater to their finicky ways. (Actually, my daughter will say that I treat them better than I did my own kids.)

11. I have come to realize that even though (or because) I spent the majority of my life in the customer service industry...I just don't like people! lol Ok...I exaggerate...I just don't like the majority of people.

12. I use to be a smoker...Marlboro 100's...red packs.

13. I sincerely miss being a firefighter and first responder.

14. I have a short temper...and a mouth like a sailor (at times).

15. I am an adrenaline junkie...life is short...I like knowing (and feeling) I am alive!

16. I am a "Southerner"...don't ever call me "country"! There is a difference!

17. I can't believe that it's already been 7 years since Craig and I met. Some days it feels as if I have known him my whole life and other days it seems like we just met.

18. I really am not fond of getting up and going to the gym at 3:30am...but it's easier than going in the evening after work.

19. I have left explicit instructions as to my wishes for when I die: I want to be cremated...combined with Craig's ashes when he passes away...and spread "together" in the gardens where Craig's parents were spread (Stockport, England)

20. I am a true Taurus in every sense of the definition.

21. My dream is to go to Germany.

22. I have little tolerance for ignorance or ignorant people.

23. I love the way Craig and I act like little kids when we are together. It can be very therapeutic!

24. I am thankful everyday that I work in an office with a group of girls/women that are just as full of "crap" as I am...lol!

25. As narcissistic as I am, at times...I can't believe how hard this was!

Merging...

In the desire to streamline my blogging activities, I am merging what I have previously posted in facebook with The Dowager's Bemusement.

The next few posts are the earliest post I made in regards to dealing with the death of Craig.

Please forgive me if you have already read them.