Book of Days

 Outside my window.....it is still dark. It is 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning and while the rest of the world sleeps, I am wide awake. Why? I have no idea. I just know that since losing my Craig, sleep is not a peaceful place of slumber for me. Too many memories that come as dreams haunt my sleep. The subconscious has a cruel way of surfacing at the most  unwelcome times.

My thoughts.....are of all I should be doing this morning to get ready for work, but here I sit...determined to get back to my journaling in hopes of ridding myself of the anger/guilt/confusion I still feel at losing Craig. The hardest part of the process will be making myself be completely honest about "everything". The reality...and the fantasy...of who my Craig was, and the harsh reality of who I was when...and because...of him. It will take some time...and courage, that I still don't have.

Today's quote....."Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher

  

Todays melody.....                       Say Something by A Great Big World

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something

I am thankful for.....this man right here:  

I know that I don't write about it often, but this man is one of the most remarkable men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing...and loving! Not only did he come along at the most horrific time in my life...he made the conscious decision to stay and love this woman with the most profound love and understanding imaginable. He has loved me through the pain...through the anger...through the loneliness...and through the heartache of my losing Craig. He is not threatened by the love I still have for Craig. He knows it is not a competition. He allows me to grieve...without fear of repercussion. He comforts me when I need it...holds me when I need to feel safe...wipes away the tears when they fall...and loves me through all of it. He has become my anchor...and I am thankful for him more and more each day! xoxo As he is always telling me..."His love for me is infinite"...and I believe him.

From my kitchen.....there brews nothing as of late. Other than my recent bread making/baking, I really haven't been in the mood to do a lot of baking lately. As with all my other "artistic expressions"...my desire to bake ebbs and flows. Unfortunately for my husband, I've been "ebbing" for several months when it comes to baking. But alas...this too shall pass.


I am wearing.....my normal "wear to work-at-home" outfit. It consists of a pair of gray Gamecocks thermal /waffle pants, a white v-neck t-shirt, and a pair of black socks. Sounds kinda snazzy...doesn't it?

I am creating.....too many projects! I am almost through with my painting...almost through with the pixie scarf/hat combination I've been knitting...barely started on the heavy knitted blanket for my daughter...and barely started on the Irish Wedding cross-stitch sampler I'm creating for Sarge and myself. What is it they say? "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"? If that is true there's no chance of doing/creating evil for me!

 
Becoming well read....."The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien. This is a collection of related stories about a platoon of American soldiers in the Vietnam War. With Sarge being a Retired Airman and my first husband serving in the Vietnam War, it gives me some sort of perspective of the war from a soldiers viewpoint.

One of my favorite things.....would have to be my Kindle Paper-white! I love this kindle! I remember thinking that I would "never" give up the desire to hold a "real" book in my hands when reading, but I am finding that the Kindle Paperwhite is pretty awesome. I love the ability to purchase a book at anytime, in anyplace...the non-glare screen with the ability to read it outdoors in the sunlight...and the back-light, so I can read it when the lights are down low, or not even on!

I manifest and co-create....."May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams.  May the laughter you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."


Future plans for the week.....include, hopefully, taking the time to go see the movie "Lone Survivor". I don't care what side of the fence your political beliefs lie...where would we be without our military men and women? These brave men and women spend their lives defending this country. My brother-in-law gave his life defending this country while in Iraq. My 1st husband was shot and spent 10 months in the hospital while defending this country while in Vietnam.Sarge spent over 20 years defending this country. I DARE anyone to every say anything bad about our military men and women to my face. I love our military families! xoxo


Still life.....

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Winston Churchill
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/winston_churchill.html#BvkScek2OHHzK4we.99

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.
Winston Churchill
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/winston_churchill.html#BvkScek2OHHzK4we.99

2012 Years End...Current and Favorites

2012 Current &  Favorites:

book...
          The Wolf Gift by Anne Rice.....which is my current read
 
playlist...
          newest downloads...
                    Night Train by Jason Aldean
                    The Only Way I Know by Jason Aldean
                    Kiss Tomorrow Goodbye by Luke Bryan
                    Take A Little Ride by Jason Aldean
                    Back by Colt Ford
                    Drivin Around Song by Colt Ford
                    Like There's No Tomorrow by Justin Moore
                    The Only Place That I Call Home by Justine Moore
                    Bleed Red by Ronnie Dunn
                    If I Didn't Know Better from the Nashville soundtrack
                    Skyfall by Adele
                    Two Black Cadillac s by Carrie Underwood 
                    Black Tears by Jason Aldean
                    I Don't Do Lonely Well by Jason Aldean

color...
          My current favorite color is still RED
 
drink...
           Diet Sundrop, of course
 
food...
           I am currently eating fish (perch), fries, hush-puppies and coleslaw
 
favorite show...
           My newest obsession is a BBC show called "Doc Martin" I've watched 2 seasons of it on my computer in the past week.
 
needs...
           My only current need is to find out why my legs are retaining so much water that it has become painful.
          
triumphs...
           The most current triumph is that I made it through another year in a "somewhat" sane state of mind! lol
 
banes of my existance...
           As much as I love him...my wonderful husband is my current source of irratation because he is determined to do things his own way and in his own time...not when I truly need them to be done!
 
celebrity crush...
          This one is an easy one! It would, of course, have to be Tom Hardy. I have drooled over this man for the last several months!

#1 blessing...
          I will ALWAYS believe that my children are my biggest blessing, for they have been there with me through some of the most horrific moments of my life just as through some of the happiest times of my life. They are the greatest part of my past...my present...and my future!
          
indulgences...
          My current indulgence is our ability to eat supper out every night we don't feel like cooking...which is almost every night of the week! :-)

outfit...
          grey danskin sweet-pants...black long sleeve tshirt...white slouch socks
 
excitement...
          The most current circumstance that got me excited was when we received paperwork in the mail from Caldwell Mortgage to let us know that our mortgage payments will be dropping by $200/month starting in February. 
           
mood...
        My current mood is one of concern for my husband. His blood pressure has been running high today and he is not feeling well. He has, therefore, gone to lay on the couch and just relax. he might be the bane of my existence on certain days, but he also causes me great concern when it comes to his health and well being.
 
holiday decoration...
          There are no holiday decorations up because we did not put any up this year. sometimes, with the kids all being grown and out of the house, it is nice not to have to worry about dragging all of that stuff out and then, a few weeks later, put it all back up again!

#1 on wish list...
           The #1 item on my current wishlist is that very, very soon...my husband and I will move to the mountains where there is definitive seasons...and SNOW!

New Years resolution...
          As much as I hate to say this, since it's always on everybodys resolution list, it is to lose 40 pounds by the time we go to Maine in July.

The Secret Me...A Questionnaire Journal

     I can't believe that it has been almost an entire year since I have posted anything in my journal. It's time to get disciplined again...because according to my husband's brother (Jonathan Lowery...who was KIA), "He likes the book I've wrote". WTH?! Lmao

     On the phone with my son last night, I was describing this new questionnaire journal I had purchased...and we were talking about how every family member should fill out something like this to be handed down from generation to generation. (Be prepared kids...you are getting ready to get one! lmao) We don't know our ancestors anymore. Family stories aren't relayed to future generations like they were in the past. Is it because we are such a "transient" society now? Because families aren't rooted into specific geographical communities anymore?
     For whatever reason, I find that I have become fixated on leaving behind the most minute details of who I was to my children.  If course they know who "mommy" is...but do they really know who I was before becoming their momma? Do they know who I am, now that they are grown and gone? Do they truly know who Nancy is/was?
     So...for the unforeseeable future, I am going to share questions and my answers to the most unique questionnaire journal I have found......"The Secret Me"

At Random

 

This journal is the property of:

Nancy Carolyn Sutphin Whitt Sanders-Lowery

 

Date begun:

September 14, 2012

 

When were you born?

     May 8, 1963

 

Where were you born?

     Memorial Mission Hospital, Asheville NC

 

Can you play chess?

     Yes...I just don't have anyone to play it with.

 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

     No...but I do believe in "lust" at first sight.

 

Where do you currently live?

     Clover, SC

 

When you die, you'd like to have your body:

     Buried

     Cremated    Yes!

     Frozen

     Mummified

 

Which of your parents named you?

     I don't know for sure, but seeing as how I was born while my dad was at sea (he was in the Navy) I am going to assume my mom did.

 

What was your first word?

     According to the Baby Book of Nancy...it was Da-Da

 

Would you choose to be immortal, if given the chance?

     Not just "no", but "hell no"

 

Do you believe in Karma?

     Absolutely, positively, 100% yes

 

Are your parents divorced?

     No. My mother dies in 1977 from Breast Cancer and my father has remarried since then.

 

Do you generally remember your dreams?

     More often than not...No.

 

How do you prefer your eggs cooked?

     Fried, over easy

 

Have you seen a ghost?

     No...I don't think so

 

Have you named a vehicle?

     No

 

Which of the following bothers you the most?

     Being ticketed

     Nails scraped on a chalkboard - like you wouldn't believe!

     Papercuts

     Silence

 

The most expensive thing you ever paid cash for:

     Probably when I purchased my 2008 Hyundai Tiburone GT. I paid $18,000 for it.

 

Have you seen a tornado with your own eyes?

     No

 

Have you been in a long distance relationship?

     Yes...when my late husband and I first met, he was living in Mooresville, NC and I was living in Mars Hill, NC...

     and...my wonderful husband now, was living in Mars Hill, NC and I was living in Gastonia, NC when we first met.

 

Have you won a game of pool?

     Yeah, but I think it was out of pity!

 

Have you seen a baby being born?

     Both of my children were born by C-section. Jonathan, my oldest, was an emergency c-section and I was put to sleep. My daughter was a repeat c-section and even though they kept me awake, they put up a sheet and didn't allow me to see what was going on.

 

Do you scrub your tongue when brushing your teeth?

     Of course!

 

Have you been in the ocean?

     I've been in the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, Gulf of Mexico and the Irish Sea

 

Have you had a black eye?

     Yes, but not because someone punched me. I ended up with a black eye when I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed.

 

Have you hitchhiked?

     Yes I have. It was winter 1983...my first husband and I had been arguing...it was probably 11pm at night and we are traveling down Hwy 19-23 toward Mars Hill. Stupid, stupid me demanded he pull the car over and let me out. I grabbed my 2 month old son and got out of the car and started walking...thinking he would come back after me. Unfortunately for me...he didn't, and I was probably 20 miles from home. Fortunately for me, a kind gentleman pulled over and offered me a ride. That was the first...and last time...I pulled a stunt like that!

A Letter From Norman

Cleaning out my emails the other
day, I started going through one of my folders labeled “Norman”. There were emails that had been sent back and
forth between the two of us before we had gotten married. In one of those emails I found a beautiful
letter that he had written to me during one of our “hard times”…when I kept
trying to push him away, yet knowing I was caught in the middle of living in
the past or moving forward with my life.

Below is that letter.

What a considerate, patient,
loving man I married. Craig would be
pleased to know that I am being taken care of…that Norman honors and respects
the life I had with him…and that I’m no longer alone

I SIT HERE REFLECTING ON THE DISCUSSION WE HAVE HAD, YES MULTIPLE
TIMES. WHAT IS IT I SEE IN YOU – WHAT KEEPS YOU HOLDING ON? YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU WITH MY EYES. I MET A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CONFIDANT, CHEERFUL, OUTGOING, FUN, AND AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE
WITH AND AROUND. I CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET SUCH A WOMAN.
I, LATER ON IN THE
RELATIONSHIP, SAW A WOMAN HURTING DEEPLY AND KEEPING IT IN, PROJECTING AN
OUTWARD APPEARANCE OF BEING TOUGH AS NAILS, OBLIVIOUS TO PAIN, TOTALLY IN
CONTROL OF HER EMOTIONS. I SAW A WOMAN, DURING THE ROUGHEST TIME OF HER LIFE. CAUGHT
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS: ONE IN WHICH I SAW A WOMAN MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE –
LOOKING FOR MISTER RIGHT, WHOM I HOPED WOULD BE ME, BUT I ALSO LEARNED ANOTHER
SIDE OF THIS WOMAN. I SAW A WOMAN DEEP
IN PAIN, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONALLY IN DISTRESS. I WAS THERE BUT NOT THERE - I
COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN AND ANGUISH AWAY. I SAW THE WOMAN I LOVED DEEPLY HURTING
BUT I COULDN’T INTERFERE. I WASN’T ABLE
TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND HER OR MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR HER; SHE WAS DEALING WITH
DEATH OF HER HUSBAND. THE PAIN OF WHICH I CAN ONLY BEGIN TO IMAGINE. I SAW A
WOMAN REACHING FOR MY HELP, BUT I MISINTERPRETED THE SIGNS / SIGNALS. I DIDN’T
UNDERSTAND AND MADE HORRENDOUS MISTAKES AND SIMPLY ADDED TO HER ANGUISH. I SAW A WOMAN I’M IN LOVE WITH SLOWLY
INCREMENTALLY MOVING AWAY FROM ME, TIES AND BONDS LOOSENING AND THEN FAILING.
SO WHAT KEEPS A MAN COMING BACK OR TRYING TO HOLD ON……THE DEEPEST LOVE OF A
WOMAN NAMED NANCY. A LOVE WHICH IS UNWAVERING, LIMITLESS AND LIFE LONG…..THIS
IS HOW I SEE YOU AND WHAT KEEPS ME HOLDING ON…EVEN BY A THREAD.
LOVE YOU
NORM

All About Me (cont.)

Your favorite meal:

From as far back as my childhood days, I remember every Saturday at how my mom would go to the Bi-Lo store located on Swananoa River Road...the old Bi-Lo with the big cow on top of the building...and she would stand at the meat counter and pick out the "perfect" steaks for dinner. Come Saturday evening, we would have salad, steak, baked potato and some kind of pie for dessert...while being allowed to sit in the livingroom and watch tv (that was a big deal, because we always ate at the dinner table together!). We got to watch Lawrence Welk, Hee Haw, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

To this day, steak and baked potatoes are my absolute favorite meal...and I still harbor the belief that is what we are suppose to have for Saturday night dinner.

A drink you often order:

Lmao...not because it's my "favorite" drink, but because I can be a bit of a cheapskate...I order water with my meals. I can't see paying $2.00 for a soda, or tea, when I can drink water w/lemon with my meal. I think I started this when I left my first husband and needed to be "frugal" with my money...and it's just stuck with me!

As a special treat...if Sarge is out and wants to surprise me with a little treat...he will stop at Sonics and pick me up a Route 44 Diet Strawberry Limeade. (I love those things, we just don't live close to a Sonics!)

Now, if Sarge and I are out for a "celebration" of some sort...depending on what I am ordering to eat, I will have a glass of wine. If we are out on the town for the evening, my favorite drink to order would be Long Island Ice Tea! :-D

A delicious dessert:

Rarely do I ever "order" dessert, but if I do, it would be if they have Tiramisu on the menu. Nothing else generally appeals to me.

A game you like to play:

Hummm....are we talking board games? If so, my absolute favorite board game is Scrabble. But I also love games like Monopoly, Sorry, Parcheesi, Backgammon (Craig was just teaching me how to play this game when he passed away), and Chess.

(When Craig and I got together we implemented one night a week...every single week...as game night. The kids, Craig and I would take turns about picking out the weekly game, and every week we would spend one evening with the tv off, sitting around the kitchen table, playing board games! What a blast we had...and what wonderful memories he created for the 3 of us!)

A book you strongly recommend:

There are 2 books I "strongly" recommend...

The first is: "Conversations With God". This was the very first book that voiced my exact thoughts and opinions of "who" and "what" I believe God is. It was enlightening...and as you can guess...I absolutely loved it!

The second book I recommend is: "Walking in the Garden of Souls". This book has brought me more peace than anything...or anyone...since Craig's passing. Whether or not you have lost someone in your life, I recommend this to every one!

An author who has affected you:

Besides the author's of the 2 books I mentioned above, the only other author who has truly "affected" me is Pauline Reage (a French author)...and for very personal reasons that is better left not discussed.

The magazine you read most frequently:

Hummm...I guess that would have to be Real Simple. I love the simplistic solutions to everyday problems...and the organizational tips they offer.

The newspaper you prefer to read on Sundays:

I like the local Sunday paper...just don't "mess" it up before I get a chance to look at it. Lmao My OCD doesn't like a "messy" paper. :-)

Music you prefer to listen to when you are alone:

Most of the time...when I'm alone...I will listen to what the call "Adult Contemporary" music. Actually, it's just the "slow" music I listened to when I was growing up (if anyone outside my age group understands what "slow" music is! lol)

The singer or band you currently listen to the most:

The singer I am listening to the most right now is "Adele". I love her sultry voice...and her music is very relaxing to listen to.

The film you could watch over and over:

"PS, I Love You"...because Hilary Swank plays ME in this movie. Everything she went through in the passing of her husband were things I lived out and experienced in the passing of my Craig. As a matter of fact...I think I'll watch it again today.

I can also watch "City of Angels" over and over again...because it also reminds me of Craig (and because it was the movie that Craig's spirit guided me to shortly after he passed away! Yes...I believe this 100%!)

A director you admire:

Even though I rarely pay attention to who has directed a certain movie...I must say that Clint Eastwood is one director I pay attention to. If I know it's a Clint Eastwood directed film...it is a must see movie! He is fresh and unique in his film style...and his story lines. "Letters from Iwo Jima", "Flags of our Fathers", "Gran Torino"...and "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"...absolutely amazing films!!

Why?

Why?

Life is going good...actually, compared to a lot of folks, life is great!

School is almost to the end of the term...and I've almost survived all 7 classes! (lol)

Being married to Norman...lmao...well, that's always a lively adventure! He loves me so very much and puts up with my OCD-ness...is surviving my going through "the change"...supports me in everything I do, especially when it comes to my schooling...and can make me laugh at the stupidest stuff when my mood is not the best in the world.

So...why?

Is it "the change"...reeking havoc on my emotional stability?

Or is it, for the absolute very fist time, watching the leaves blow around in the wind and rain...seeing the trees go bare outside my window, that I feel the sadness of Fall?

Or was it the dream I had this morning? The dream of me desperately searching...finally slumping to the ground...bawling my eyes out...not knowing and not being able to find my Craig?

Whatever the reason...

I'm just thankful the house is quiet...

That Norman is still in the bed asleep (he is such a wonderful support system, but I hate putting him through it)...

That I can have this time alone...without anyone trying to "fix" things...

and I can just...

Cry.

And grieve.

And miss my Craig....

All About Me

A while back, I purchased a book called "All About Me". It is the most unusual self-biography book I have ever seen. Not only does it ask the usual questions for you to answer, but it also asks some rather unusual ones. I am going to randomly pick a page every once in a while and answer the questions here...and I promise to be honest with my answers! :-)


So...here we go:

The Fruits of Your Labor: (this is the name of the page from which I am answering questions)

Your watch:  right now I am wearing a white Marc Jacobs watch
Your perfume:  I wear Chanel #5...all because it is what my mom always wore (my dad bought my mom the Chanel gift set every year for Christmas)
Something important on your desk:  Ummm...I guess I would have to say my iPhone...or possibly my bluetooth! lol
On your wall hangs:  In my office...today I hung the pictures that Norman and I painted when we went to Paintings Bayou on a date. It shows that even though we were looking at the same thing, we both ended up with our own personal perspective on the subject matter. It makes me smile to see them because it was such a fun date...and something I had never done before!
Under your bed or in your closet you hide: lmao...if I have it hidden, there's a reason for it! :-) Let's just say...it's personal!
Something important on your night table: I have this music box that plays "What A Wonderful World" (by Louis Armstrong) and it holds a special package of Craig's ashes, his wedding ring, his watch, and his ear-ring. I have it there so it is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. It has been on my night table March 7, 2009 (mine and Craig's wedding anniversary)...and will probably be there till the day I die!
When you sleep, you wear: lmao...if you ask Norman, he will tell you that I wear "gun cleaning cloth" (he hates that I wear anything to bed!), but I am more comfortable when I wear a t-shirt, or silky gown, and pair of panties.
If you had a safe, you would keep: I have no clue! I guess I would keep the diamond watch Craig gave me on our anniversary, my wedding rings from Craig, mine and Craig's wedding album, mine and Norman's wedding album...and probably every single picture album I own!
Things you like to buy: lmao...my vices are shoes and purses! I own more shoes than any woman should ever own...and have an entire full size suitcase packed with all my extra purses (and that's after giving a box full of them to Goodwill!) I am also an avid collector of cookbooks! I love getting a cookbook from every place I visit...especially if it's a regional cookbook!
If you could afford it at this time, you would buy:  I would buy a cabin in the mountains! Somewhere that Norman and I could go to in the winter to enjoy the snow! (We are both such winter people!)
You collect:  Honestly...since Craigs death, I pretty much stopped collecting things...just for the sake of collecting. When he passed away...and in dealing with all the things that he collected...I've realized, it's just "stuff", and who's going to want it when I pass away anyway?! So now, unless I can use it, I don't buy it. I do have a huge collection of porcelan Cherished Teddies...crystal snow globes that my daughter has bought me...and Craig's Franklin Mint Motorcycles. Oh...but wait...I do collect something! I collect wine glasses from the wineries that Norman and I visit.But they are usually free with a wine tasting...and they have the wineries logo on them.
You don't have a lot of:  I don't know what I don't have a lot of! I must have plenty of everything because Norman, Nathan and Allan built me a beautiful storage building to put stuff that I don't use in. Humm...I'm going to have to think on this one...

And that's all the questions that was on that page!
Stay tuned for more...
I'll do this again soon...lol