Craig...the love of my life...the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days on earth with...the one I waited 38 years for...dies much too soon. I wish I could tell everyone what happened...but even I still don't know. I mean, I know the ABC's of what happened:

He was seen in the ER on Thursday...discharged home Thursday afternoon...and in full arrest by 4am on Friday morning.

We now must wait for the autopsy report, which will take anywhere from 2-6 months.

In the meantime I sit and replay Thursday Feb. 12 over and over in my mind. What was it that I didn't notice? why didn't I take him back to the ER? Why was he released in the first place? What should I have done different?

And then we start with the selfish questions:

How could you leave me? Why did you leave me? Is there something I could have done differently? Are you mad at me for not saving you? All the typical "grief" questions one tends to ask themselves when something so unexpectedly happens. But questions, none-the-less, that I will probably never know get answers to. Well, at least not until I reach the other side.

As soon as I know...I will let everyone else know. Until then, just know that he should not have passed away...and I will not rest until the answers are clear!

25 Things...

(Originally posted Thursday, February 5, 2009)

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

1. I love being the "devil's advocate"...I will argue/question a point just for the sake of doing so.

2. Only in the last few years have I realized that I am a lot smarter than I ever gave myself credit for.

3. As much as it pains me to say...I really do miss living in Huntington Beach, California.

4. I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow...this has been one hell of an adventure and if I could change only one thing it would be to have me Craig (my husband) much sooner.

5. Regardless of the "cold-hearted" woman I like to think I am...I'm really just a big old softy who cries at even commercials!

6. Until Craig...I had never lived more than 25 miles from my childhood home, traveled further east than Myrtle Beach or further west than Memphis. Since Craig...I have lived in Mooresville NC, Phoenix AZ, Huntington Beach CA, & Gastonia NC...traveled overseas to Manchester England (Craig's hometown)...flown back and forth across the country several times...and realized the world is a lot smaller than I thought.

7. Even though my mom has been dead going on 32 years...I still cry when I think of her.

8 . I am absolutely amazed at how close my daughter and I are...and what a great relationship we have. There was a day I would have pictured things differently.

9. I am proud of my son...through think and thin, trials and tribulations...he's a true mamma's boy and he will persevere. =)

10. I can't believe that I have become one of "those" that pamper their pets...have made them my surrogate children...and spend way too much money to cater to their finicky ways. (Actually, my daughter will say that I treat them better than I did my own kids.)

11. I have come to realize that even though (or because) I spent the majority of my life in the customer service industry...I just don't like people! lol Ok...I exaggerate...I just don't like the majority of people.

12. I use to be a smoker...Marlboro 100's...red packs.

13. I sincerely miss being a firefighter and first responder.

14. I have a short temper...and a mouth like a sailor (at times).

15. I am an adrenaline junkie...life is short...I like knowing (and feeling) I am alive!

16. I am a "Southerner"...don't ever call me "country"! There is a difference!

17. I can't believe that it's already been 7 years since Craig and I met. Some days it feels as if I have known him my whole life and other days it seems like we just met.

18. I really am not fond of getting up and going to the gym at 3:30am...but it's easier than going in the evening after work.

19. I have left explicit instructions as to my wishes for when I die: I want to be cremated...combined with Craig's ashes when he passes away...and spread "together" in the gardens where Craig's parents were spread (Stockport, England)

20. I am a true Taurus in every sense of the definition.

21. My dream is to go to Germany.

22. I have little tolerance for ignorance or ignorant people.

23. I love the way Craig and I act like little kids when we are together. It can be very therapeutic!

24. I am thankful everyday that I work in an office with a group of girls/women that are just as full of "crap" as I am...lol!

25. As narcissistic as I am, at times...I can't believe how hard this was!

Merging...

In the desire to streamline my blogging activities, I am merging what I have previously posted in facebook with The Dowager's Bemusement.

The next few posts are the earliest post I made in regards to dealing with the death of Craig.

Please forgive me if you have already read them.

How we survive...

How we survive...

If we are fortunate,
we are given a warning.

If not,
there is only the sudden horror,
the wench of being torn apart;
of being reminded that nothing is permanent,
not even the ones we love,
the ones our lives revolve around.

So we must cherish them without reservation.
Now.
Today.
This minute.
We will lose them
or they will lose us...someday.
This is certain.
There is no time for bickering.
And their loss will leave a great pit in our hearts;
a pit we struggle to avoid during the day
and
fall into at night.

Some,
unable to accept this loss,
unable to determine
the worth of life without them,
jump into that black pit...
spiritually or physically...
hoping to find them there.

And some survive
the shock,
the denial,
the horror,
the bargaining,
the barren, empty aching,
the unanswered prayers,
the sleepless nights
when our breath is crushed
under the weight of the silence
and all that it means.

Somehow, some survive all that and,
like a flower opening after a storm,
they slowly begin to remember
the one they lost
in a different way...

The laughter,
the irrepressible spirit,
the generous heart,
the way their smile made me feel,
the encouragement they gave
even as their own dreams were dying.

And in time, we fill the pit
with other memories
the only memories that really matter.

We will still cry.
We will always cry.
But with loving reflection
more than hopeless longing.

And that is how we survive.
That is how the story should end...
that is how they would want it to be.


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Location:Sitting in the den @ home

A moment with my thoughts...

Today, I was able to lose myself in thought as I walked along the shores. I felt the sun on my face...the sand and water between my toes...and an inner peace within my soul that I've come to know as "Craig".
As I quietly walked along the beach I carried on an inner dialogue, just as I do on a day-to-day basis, with Craig.
"I love you Craig. Do you still love me?"
"I miss you Craig. Do you miss me?
"Thank you for being my guardian angel...please don't ever leave me...and please, please, please wait for me!"
As I quietly stood with the sun beaming on my face...staring off into the horizon...I felt peace. I asked Craig to please give me some kind of sign that he was there with me. As I turned to leave, I looked down and as the wave swept across the sand...the most beautiful "worry-stone" appeared. I picked it up and felt the cool smoothness of it's surface...and I just "knew". This was my sign. This was Craig telling me that he would never leave my side...especially in times of stress and worry.
Today. Today was a very good day!

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Location:Ocracoke Island, NC

Dearest Craig...

Dearest Craig...

I keep looking for you...everywhere and in every face.

Even though I know you're gone.

Even though I know you can't come back.

But I have to take 1 small step forward.

I have to appreciate the new life I have here.

I can picture you nodding in agreement,

Telling me it's going to be ok.

For all of us...

It's going to be ok.

Guess what?

I Love You...

Me xoxoxo

Life Lessons From A Dog

Life Lessons from a Dog

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Enjoy it when someone wants to rub your tummy.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout.
Run right back and make friends.

I don't know who wrote this, but after getting Morgan (my chocolate lab)...these are definite lessons I should take from him! :-)