The Secret Me...A Questionnaire Journal

     I can't believe that it has been almost an entire year since I have posted anything in my journal. It's time to get disciplined again...because according to my husband's brother (Jonathan Lowery...who was KIA), "He likes the book I've wrote". WTH?! Lmao

     On the phone with my son last night, I was describing this new questionnaire journal I had purchased...and we were talking about how every family member should fill out something like this to be handed down from generation to generation. (Be prepared kids...you are getting ready to get one! lmao) We don't know our ancestors anymore. Family stories aren't relayed to future generations like they were in the past. Is it because we are such a "transient" society now? Because families aren't rooted into specific geographical communities anymore?
     For whatever reason, I find that I have become fixated on leaving behind the most minute details of who I was to my children.  If course they know who "mommy" is...but do they really know who I was before becoming their momma? Do they know who I am, now that they are grown and gone? Do they truly know who Nancy is/was?
     So...for the unforeseeable future, I am going to share questions and my answers to the most unique questionnaire journal I have found......"The Secret Me"

At Random

 

This journal is the property of:

Nancy Carolyn Sutphin Whitt Sanders-Lowery

 

Date begun:

September 14, 2012

 

When were you born?

     May 8, 1963

 

Where were you born?

     Memorial Mission Hospital, Asheville NC

 

Can you play chess?

     Yes...I just don't have anyone to play it with.

 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

     No...but I do believe in "lust" at first sight.

 

Where do you currently live?

     Clover, SC

 

When you die, you'd like to have your body:

     Buried

     Cremated    Yes!

     Frozen

     Mummified

 

Which of your parents named you?

     I don't know for sure, but seeing as how I was born while my dad was at sea (he was in the Navy) I am going to assume my mom did.

 

What was your first word?

     According to the Baby Book of Nancy...it was Da-Da

 

Would you choose to be immortal, if given the chance?

     Not just "no", but "hell no"

 

Do you believe in Karma?

     Absolutely, positively, 100% yes

 

Are your parents divorced?

     No. My mother dies in 1977 from Breast Cancer and my father has remarried since then.

 

Do you generally remember your dreams?

     More often than not...No.

 

How do you prefer your eggs cooked?

     Fried, over easy

 

Have you seen a ghost?

     No...I don't think so

 

Have you named a vehicle?

     No

 

Which of the following bothers you the most?

     Being ticketed

     Nails scraped on a chalkboard - like you wouldn't believe!

     Papercuts

     Silence

 

The most expensive thing you ever paid cash for:

     Probably when I purchased my 2008 Hyundai Tiburone GT. I paid $18,000 for it.

 

Have you seen a tornado with your own eyes?

     No

 

Have you been in a long distance relationship?

     Yes...when my late husband and I first met, he was living in Mooresville, NC and I was living in Mars Hill, NC...

     and...my wonderful husband now, was living in Mars Hill, NC and I was living in Gastonia, NC when we first met.

 

Have you won a game of pool?

     Yeah, but I think it was out of pity!

 

Have you seen a baby being born?

     Both of my children were born by C-section. Jonathan, my oldest, was an emergency c-section and I was put to sleep. My daughter was a repeat c-section and even though they kept me awake, they put up a sheet and didn't allow me to see what was going on.

 

Do you scrub your tongue when brushing your teeth?

     Of course!

 

Have you been in the ocean?

     I've been in the Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean, Gulf of Mexico and the Irish Sea

 

Have you had a black eye?

     Yes, but not because someone punched me. I ended up with a black eye when I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed.

 

Have you hitchhiked?

     Yes I have. It was winter 1983...my first husband and I had been arguing...it was probably 11pm at night and we are traveling down Hwy 19-23 toward Mars Hill. Stupid, stupid me demanded he pull the car over and let me out. I grabbed my 2 month old son and got out of the car and started walking...thinking he would come back after me. Unfortunately for me...he didn't, and I was probably 20 miles from home. Fortunately for me, a kind gentleman pulled over and offered me a ride. That was the first...and last time...I pulled a stunt like that!

A Letter From Norman

Cleaning out my emails the other
day, I started going through one of my folders labeled “Norman”. There were emails that had been sent back and
forth between the two of us before we had gotten married. In one of those emails I found a beautiful
letter that he had written to me during one of our “hard times”…when I kept
trying to push him away, yet knowing I was caught in the middle of living in
the past or moving forward with my life.

Below is that letter.

What a considerate, patient,
loving man I married. Craig would be
pleased to know that I am being taken care of…that Norman honors and respects
the life I had with him…and that I’m no longer alone

I SIT HERE REFLECTING ON THE DISCUSSION WE HAVE HAD, YES MULTIPLE
TIMES. WHAT IS IT I SEE IN YOU – WHAT KEEPS YOU HOLDING ON? YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU WITH MY EYES. I MET A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CONFIDANT, CHEERFUL, OUTGOING, FUN, AND AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE
WITH AND AROUND. I CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET SUCH A WOMAN.
I, LATER ON IN THE
RELATIONSHIP, SAW A WOMAN HURTING DEEPLY AND KEEPING IT IN, PROJECTING AN
OUTWARD APPEARANCE OF BEING TOUGH AS NAILS, OBLIVIOUS TO PAIN, TOTALLY IN
CONTROL OF HER EMOTIONS. I SAW A WOMAN, DURING THE ROUGHEST TIME OF HER LIFE. CAUGHT
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS: ONE IN WHICH I SAW A WOMAN MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE –
LOOKING FOR MISTER RIGHT, WHOM I HOPED WOULD BE ME, BUT I ALSO LEARNED ANOTHER
SIDE OF THIS WOMAN. I SAW A WOMAN DEEP
IN PAIN, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONALLY IN DISTRESS. I WAS THERE BUT NOT THERE - I
COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN AND ANGUISH AWAY. I SAW THE WOMAN I LOVED DEEPLY HURTING
BUT I COULDN’T INTERFERE. I WASN’T ABLE
TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND HER OR MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR HER; SHE WAS DEALING WITH
DEATH OF HER HUSBAND. THE PAIN OF WHICH I CAN ONLY BEGIN TO IMAGINE. I SAW A
WOMAN REACHING FOR MY HELP, BUT I MISINTERPRETED THE SIGNS / SIGNALS. I DIDN’T
UNDERSTAND AND MADE HORRENDOUS MISTAKES AND SIMPLY ADDED TO HER ANGUISH. I SAW A WOMAN I’M IN LOVE WITH SLOWLY
INCREMENTALLY MOVING AWAY FROM ME, TIES AND BONDS LOOSENING AND THEN FAILING.
SO WHAT KEEPS A MAN COMING BACK OR TRYING TO HOLD ON……THE DEEPEST LOVE OF A
WOMAN NAMED NANCY. A LOVE WHICH IS UNWAVERING, LIMITLESS AND LIFE LONG…..THIS
IS HOW I SEE YOU AND WHAT KEEPS ME HOLDING ON…EVEN BY A THREAD.
LOVE YOU
NORM

All About Me (cont.)

Your favorite meal:

From as far back as my childhood days, I remember every Saturday at how my mom would go to the Bi-Lo store located on Swananoa River Road...the old Bi-Lo with the big cow on top of the building...and she would stand at the meat counter and pick out the "perfect" steaks for dinner. Come Saturday evening, we would have salad, steak, baked potato and some kind of pie for dessert...while being allowed to sit in the livingroom and watch tv (that was a big deal, because we always ate at the dinner table together!). We got to watch Lawrence Welk, Hee Haw, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

To this day, steak and baked potatoes are my absolute favorite meal...and I still harbor the belief that is what we are suppose to have for Saturday night dinner.

A drink you often order:

Lmao...not because it's my "favorite" drink, but because I can be a bit of a cheapskate...I order water with my meals. I can't see paying $2.00 for a soda, or tea, when I can drink water w/lemon with my meal. I think I started this when I left my first husband and needed to be "frugal" with my money...and it's just stuck with me!

As a special treat...if Sarge is out and wants to surprise me with a little treat...he will stop at Sonics and pick me up a Route 44 Diet Strawberry Limeade. (I love those things, we just don't live close to a Sonics!)

Now, if Sarge and I are out for a "celebration" of some sort...depending on what I am ordering to eat, I will have a glass of wine. If we are out on the town for the evening, my favorite drink to order would be Long Island Ice Tea! :-D

A delicious dessert:

Rarely do I ever "order" dessert, but if I do, it would be if they have Tiramisu on the menu. Nothing else generally appeals to me.

A game you like to play:

Hummm....are we talking board games? If so, my absolute favorite board game is Scrabble. But I also love games like Monopoly, Sorry, Parcheesi, Backgammon (Craig was just teaching me how to play this game when he passed away), and Chess.

(When Craig and I got together we implemented one night a week...every single week...as game night. The kids, Craig and I would take turns about picking out the weekly game, and every week we would spend one evening with the tv off, sitting around the kitchen table, playing board games! What a blast we had...and what wonderful memories he created for the 3 of us!)

A book you strongly recommend:

There are 2 books I "strongly" recommend...

The first is: "Conversations With God". This was the very first book that voiced my exact thoughts and opinions of "who" and "what" I believe God is. It was enlightening...and as you can guess...I absolutely loved it!

The second book I recommend is: "Walking in the Garden of Souls". This book has brought me more peace than anything...or anyone...since Craig's passing. Whether or not you have lost someone in your life, I recommend this to every one!

An author who has affected you:

Besides the author's of the 2 books I mentioned above, the only other author who has truly "affected" me is Pauline Reage (a French author)...and for very personal reasons that is better left not discussed.

The magazine you read most frequently:

Hummm...I guess that would have to be Real Simple. I love the simplistic solutions to everyday problems...and the organizational tips they offer.

The newspaper you prefer to read on Sundays:

I like the local Sunday paper...just don't "mess" it up before I get a chance to look at it. Lmao My OCD doesn't like a "messy" paper. :-)

Music you prefer to listen to when you are alone:

Most of the time...when I'm alone...I will listen to what the call "Adult Contemporary" music. Actually, it's just the "slow" music I listened to when I was growing up (if anyone outside my age group understands what "slow" music is! lol)

The singer or band you currently listen to the most:

The singer I am listening to the most right now is "Adele". I love her sultry voice...and her music is very relaxing to listen to.

The film you could watch over and over:

"PS, I Love You"...because Hilary Swank plays ME in this movie. Everything she went through in the passing of her husband were things I lived out and experienced in the passing of my Craig. As a matter of fact...I think I'll watch it again today.

I can also watch "City of Angels" over and over again...because it also reminds me of Craig (and because it was the movie that Craig's spirit guided me to shortly after he passed away! Yes...I believe this 100%!)

A director you admire:

Even though I rarely pay attention to who has directed a certain movie...I must say that Clint Eastwood is one director I pay attention to. If I know it's a Clint Eastwood directed film...it is a must see movie! He is fresh and unique in his film style...and his story lines. "Letters from Iwo Jima", "Flags of our Fathers", "Gran Torino"...and "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"...absolutely amazing films!!

Why?

Why?

Life is going good...actually, compared to a lot of folks, life is great!

School is almost to the end of the term...and I've almost survived all 7 classes! (lol)

Being married to Norman...lmao...well, that's always a lively adventure! He loves me so very much and puts up with my OCD-ness...is surviving my going through "the change"...supports me in everything I do, especially when it comes to my schooling...and can make me laugh at the stupidest stuff when my mood is not the best in the world.

So...why?

Is it "the change"...reeking havoc on my emotional stability?

Or is it, for the absolute very fist time, watching the leaves blow around in the wind and rain...seeing the trees go bare outside my window, that I feel the sadness of Fall?

Or was it the dream I had this morning? The dream of me desperately searching...finally slumping to the ground...bawling my eyes out...not knowing and not being able to find my Craig?

Whatever the reason...

I'm just thankful the house is quiet...

That Norman is still in the bed asleep (he is such a wonderful support system, but I hate putting him through it)...

That I can have this time alone...without anyone trying to "fix" things...

and I can just...

Cry.

And grieve.

And miss my Craig....

All About Me

A while back, I purchased a book called "All About Me". It is the most unusual self-biography book I have ever seen. Not only does it ask the usual questions for you to answer, but it also asks some rather unusual ones. I am going to randomly pick a page every once in a while and answer the questions here...and I promise to be honest with my answers! :-)


So...here we go:

The Fruits of Your Labor: (this is the name of the page from which I am answering questions)

Your watch:  right now I am wearing a white Marc Jacobs watch
Your perfume:  I wear Chanel #5...all because it is what my mom always wore (my dad bought my mom the Chanel gift set every year for Christmas)
Something important on your desk:  Ummm...I guess I would have to say my iPhone...or possibly my bluetooth! lol
On your wall hangs:  In my office...today I hung the pictures that Norman and I painted when we went to Paintings Bayou on a date. It shows that even though we were looking at the same thing, we both ended up with our own personal perspective on the subject matter. It makes me smile to see them because it was such a fun date...and something I had never done before!
Under your bed or in your closet you hide: lmao...if I have it hidden, there's a reason for it! :-) Let's just say...it's personal!
Something important on your night table: I have this music box that plays "What A Wonderful World" (by Louis Armstrong) and it holds a special package of Craig's ashes, his wedding ring, his watch, and his ear-ring. I have it there so it is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. It has been on my night table March 7, 2009 (mine and Craig's wedding anniversary)...and will probably be there till the day I die!
When you sleep, you wear: lmao...if you ask Norman, he will tell you that I wear "gun cleaning cloth" (he hates that I wear anything to bed!), but I am more comfortable when I wear a t-shirt, or silky gown, and pair of panties.
If you had a safe, you would keep: I have no clue! I guess I would keep the diamond watch Craig gave me on our anniversary, my wedding rings from Craig, mine and Craig's wedding album, mine and Norman's wedding album...and probably every single picture album I own!
Things you like to buy: lmao...my vices are shoes and purses! I own more shoes than any woman should ever own...and have an entire full size suitcase packed with all my extra purses (and that's after giving a box full of them to Goodwill!) I am also an avid collector of cookbooks! I love getting a cookbook from every place I visit...especially if it's a regional cookbook!
If you could afford it at this time, you would buy:  I would buy a cabin in the mountains! Somewhere that Norman and I could go to in the winter to enjoy the snow! (We are both such winter people!)
You collect:  Honestly...since Craigs death, I pretty much stopped collecting things...just for the sake of collecting. When he passed away...and in dealing with all the things that he collected...I've realized, it's just "stuff", and who's going to want it when I pass away anyway?! So now, unless I can use it, I don't buy it. I do have a huge collection of porcelan Cherished Teddies...crystal snow globes that my daughter has bought me...and Craig's Franklin Mint Motorcycles. Oh...but wait...I do collect something! I collect wine glasses from the wineries that Norman and I visit.But they are usually free with a wine tasting...and they have the wineries logo on them.
You don't have a lot of:  I don't know what I don't have a lot of! I must have plenty of everything because Norman, Nathan and Allan built me a beautiful storage building to put stuff that I don't use in. Humm...I'm going to have to think on this one...

And that's all the questions that was on that page!
Stay tuned for more...
I'll do this again soon...lol

I Am In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

Book of Days

Book of Days    10/31/2011

Outside my window…The sun is shining brightly, the cows are lying in the pasture, and I can see my Morgan bathing in the sunlight in the front yard. (I’ve noticed that since my time with Craig, that I have picked up his habit of referring to things as “mine”. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but Craig had a tendency to do this!)

My thoughts…Right this very second my thoughts are on “time”. It is pushing 1pm…I still have to package Craig’s tshirts for mailing…take a shower and get ready for school tonight…stop off at the UPS store and send the tshirts off to campusquilts.com (the company making the quilt)…go to Sears and get to school by 6pm.

Today’s quote…”Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.” by Gilbert K Chesterton     I have many fences…some made of twigs, therefore they are easily destroyed. The fence that, without a doubt, is the one that will forever be impenetrable is the part of my heart that will forever belong to Craig. But just as Craig holds a portion of my heart…so does Sarge. The only difference is that Craig’s will forever be frozen in time with a love that will never be replaced. Sarge’s is ever evolving…ever growing with each passing day.

I am thankful for…that Craig left me in a financial state that allowed me to pay off all debt, pay for my schooling and quit work for the last 2 years so I could fulfill “our” dream of my getting a college education. I am also extremely thankful that Sarge supports me in a way that allows me to focus solely on school! He is there for me to cook and clean…bringing dinner to me as I sit at the computer writing Litigation Complaints and Answering Interrogatories. He is there for me emotionally on those days that I don’t want to look at one more powerpoint…would rather stay home than go to school…and when the memories/pain/anger of losing Craig cause me to have a breakdown

From my kitchen…I am preparing to make a vast assortment of cupcakes for my Public Speaking class. Why? (lmao) We have a demonstrative speech to give next week, therefore we must come up with a speech that lasts between 4 - 6 minutes and something we must be able to show “qualifications” for. Mine will be on “The simplicity of decorating a cupcake”. Having gone to Le Cordon Bleu while living in Arizona, I thought this would be a very simple project to undertake…and teach!

I am wearing…Black danskin workout pants and a cream colored Indian motorcycle long sleeve t-shirt

I am creating (crafts, sewing, etc)…I’m still working on the camouflage scarf I’m knitting for Sarge. Hopefully he’ll get to enjoy it this winter!

Becoming well read…As anyone who has seen the book “The Dome” by Stephen King…and knows what taking 7 classes does with all of your free time…know that I am still reading this book! Hopefully I will finish it within the next month! J

I manifest and co-create (my hopes, dreams, prayers)…I am hoping that our 2 week trip to Maine (Sarges’ hometown) will allow me the opportunity to see a Nor’easter! The northern states just experienced one this past weekend…getting up to 30” of snow in October!

Today’s melody…I’m Gonna Love You Through It  by: Martina McBride  (This song makes me think so much of my Mom and I cry every time I hear it!)

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.”

One of my favorite things…OMG! I love my Ugg boots!! I wore them this weekend while we were up in the mountains visiting my son…and not only are the warm, but they are so freaking comfortable! Why did I wait so long to buy a pair?!

Future plans for the week…Today I am sending Craig’s t-shirts off to have a memorial quilt made. On Friday my daughter and son-in-law will have their nephews up from Fayetteville. They have invited us spend Friday with them to go see the movie “Puss-in-Boots” and to Dave & Busters for dinner…which we are going to do.

Still Life…I remembered that today is the 29^th anniversary of mine and my first husband’s first date. Even though we are now divorced, we remain good friends (Sarge and I were at his house this past weekend)…and it made me think of this screensaver I had: