A Letter From Norman

Cleaning out my emails the other
day, I started going through one of my folders labeled “Norman”. There were emails that had been sent back and
forth between the two of us before we had gotten married. In one of those emails I found a beautiful
letter that he had written to me during one of our “hard times”…when I kept
trying to push him away, yet knowing I was caught in the middle of living in
the past or moving forward with my life.

Below is that letter.

What a considerate, patient,
loving man I married. Craig would be
pleased to know that I am being taken care of…that Norman honors and respects
the life I had with him…and that I’m no longer alone

I SIT HERE REFLECTING ON THE DISCUSSION WE HAVE HAD, YES MULTIPLE
TIMES. WHAT IS IT I SEE IN YOU – WHAT KEEPS YOU HOLDING ON? YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU WITH MY EYES. I MET A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN CONFIDANT, CHEERFUL, OUTGOING, FUN, AND AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE
WITH AND AROUND. I CONSIDERED MYSELF TO BE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE MET SUCH A WOMAN.
I, LATER ON IN THE
RELATIONSHIP, SAW A WOMAN HURTING DEEPLY AND KEEPING IT IN, PROJECTING AN
OUTWARD APPEARANCE OF BEING TOUGH AS NAILS, OBLIVIOUS TO PAIN, TOTALLY IN
CONTROL OF HER EMOTIONS. I SAW A WOMAN, DURING THE ROUGHEST TIME OF HER LIFE. CAUGHT
BETWEEN TWO WORLDS: ONE IN WHICH I SAW A WOMAN MOVING ON WITH HER LIFE –
LOOKING FOR MISTER RIGHT, WHOM I HOPED WOULD BE ME, BUT I ALSO LEARNED ANOTHER
SIDE OF THIS WOMAN. I SAW A WOMAN DEEP
IN PAIN, PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONALLY IN DISTRESS. I WAS THERE BUT NOT THERE - I
COULDN’T TAKE THE PAIN AND ANGUISH AWAY. I SAW THE WOMAN I LOVED DEEPLY HURTING
BUT I COULDN’T INTERFERE. I WASN’T ABLE
TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND HER OR MAKE THINGS RIGHT FOR HER; SHE WAS DEALING WITH
DEATH OF HER HUSBAND. THE PAIN OF WHICH I CAN ONLY BEGIN TO IMAGINE. I SAW A
WOMAN REACHING FOR MY HELP, BUT I MISINTERPRETED THE SIGNS / SIGNALS. I DIDN’T
UNDERSTAND AND MADE HORRENDOUS MISTAKES AND SIMPLY ADDED TO HER ANGUISH. I SAW A WOMAN I’M IN LOVE WITH SLOWLY
INCREMENTALLY MOVING AWAY FROM ME, TIES AND BONDS LOOSENING AND THEN FAILING.
SO WHAT KEEPS A MAN COMING BACK OR TRYING TO HOLD ON……THE DEEPEST LOVE OF A
WOMAN NAMED NANCY. A LOVE WHICH IS UNWAVERING, LIMITLESS AND LIFE LONG…..THIS
IS HOW I SEE YOU AND WHAT KEEPS ME HOLDING ON…EVEN BY A THREAD.
LOVE YOU
NORM

All About Me (cont.)

Your favorite meal:

From as far back as my childhood days, I remember every Saturday at how my mom would go to the Bi-Lo store located on Swananoa River Road...the old Bi-Lo with the big cow on top of the building...and she would stand at the meat counter and pick out the "perfect" steaks for dinner. Come Saturday evening, we would have salad, steak, baked potato and some kind of pie for dessert...while being allowed to sit in the livingroom and watch tv (that was a big deal, because we always ate at the dinner table together!). We got to watch Lawrence Welk, Hee Haw, The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.

To this day, steak and baked potatoes are my absolute favorite meal...and I still harbor the belief that is what we are suppose to have for Saturday night dinner.

A drink you often order:

Lmao...not because it's my "favorite" drink, but because I can be a bit of a cheapskate...I order water with my meals. I can't see paying $2.00 for a soda, or tea, when I can drink water w/lemon with my meal. I think I started this when I left my first husband and needed to be "frugal" with my money...and it's just stuck with me!

As a special treat...if Sarge is out and wants to surprise me with a little treat...he will stop at Sonics and pick me up a Route 44 Diet Strawberry Limeade. (I love those things, we just don't live close to a Sonics!)

Now, if Sarge and I are out for a "celebration" of some sort...depending on what I am ordering to eat, I will have a glass of wine. If we are out on the town for the evening, my favorite drink to order would be Long Island Ice Tea! :-D

A delicious dessert:

Rarely do I ever "order" dessert, but if I do, it would be if they have Tiramisu on the menu. Nothing else generally appeals to me.

A game you like to play:

Hummm....are we talking board games? If so, my absolute favorite board game is Scrabble. But I also love games like Monopoly, Sorry, Parcheesi, Backgammon (Craig was just teaching me how to play this game when he passed away), and Chess.

(When Craig and I got together we implemented one night a week...every single week...as game night. The kids, Craig and I would take turns about picking out the weekly game, and every week we would spend one evening with the tv off, sitting around the kitchen table, playing board games! What a blast we had...and what wonderful memories he created for the 3 of us!)

A book you strongly recommend:

There are 2 books I "strongly" recommend...

The first is: "Conversations With God". This was the very first book that voiced my exact thoughts and opinions of "who" and "what" I believe God is. It was enlightening...and as you can guess...I absolutely loved it!

The second book I recommend is: "Walking in the Garden of Souls". This book has brought me more peace than anything...or anyone...since Craig's passing. Whether or not you have lost someone in your life, I recommend this to every one!

An author who has affected you:

Besides the author's of the 2 books I mentioned above, the only other author who has truly "affected" me is Pauline Reage (a French author)...and for very personal reasons that is better left not discussed.

The magazine you read most frequently:

Hummm...I guess that would have to be Real Simple. I love the simplistic solutions to everyday problems...and the organizational tips they offer.

The newspaper you prefer to read on Sundays:

I like the local Sunday paper...just don't "mess" it up before I get a chance to look at it. Lmao My OCD doesn't like a "messy" paper. :-)

Music you prefer to listen to when you are alone:

Most of the time...when I'm alone...I will listen to what the call "Adult Contemporary" music. Actually, it's just the "slow" music I listened to when I was growing up (if anyone outside my age group understands what "slow" music is! lol)

The singer or band you currently listen to the most:

The singer I am listening to the most right now is "Adele". I love her sultry voice...and her music is very relaxing to listen to.

The film you could watch over and over:

"PS, I Love You"...because Hilary Swank plays ME in this movie. Everything she went through in the passing of her husband were things I lived out and experienced in the passing of my Craig. As a matter of fact...I think I'll watch it again today.

I can also watch "City of Angels" over and over again...because it also reminds me of Craig (and because it was the movie that Craig's spirit guided me to shortly after he passed away! Yes...I believe this 100%!)

A director you admire:

Even though I rarely pay attention to who has directed a certain movie...I must say that Clint Eastwood is one director I pay attention to. If I know it's a Clint Eastwood directed film...it is a must see movie! He is fresh and unique in his film style...and his story lines. "Letters from Iwo Jima", "Flags of our Fathers", "Gran Torino"...and "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"...absolutely amazing films!!

Why?

Why?

Life is going good...actually, compared to a lot of folks, life is great!

School is almost to the end of the term...and I've almost survived all 7 classes! (lol)

Being married to Norman...lmao...well, that's always a lively adventure! He loves me so very much and puts up with my OCD-ness...is surviving my going through "the change"...supports me in everything I do, especially when it comes to my schooling...and can make me laugh at the stupidest stuff when my mood is not the best in the world.

So...why?

Is it "the change"...reeking havoc on my emotional stability?

Or is it, for the absolute very fist time, watching the leaves blow around in the wind and rain...seeing the trees go bare outside my window, that I feel the sadness of Fall?

Or was it the dream I had this morning? The dream of me desperately searching...finally slumping to the ground...bawling my eyes out...not knowing and not being able to find my Craig?

Whatever the reason...

I'm just thankful the house is quiet...

That Norman is still in the bed asleep (he is such a wonderful support system, but I hate putting him through it)...

That I can have this time alone...without anyone trying to "fix" things...

and I can just...

Cry.

And grieve.

And miss my Craig....

All About Me

A while back, I purchased a book called "All About Me". It is the most unusual self-biography book I have ever seen. Not only does it ask the usual questions for you to answer, but it also asks some rather unusual ones. I am going to randomly pick a page every once in a while and answer the questions here...and I promise to be honest with my answers! :-)


So...here we go:

The Fruits of Your Labor: (this is the name of the page from which I am answering questions)

Your watch:  right now I am wearing a white Marc Jacobs watch
Your perfume:  I wear Chanel #5...all because it is what my mom always wore (my dad bought my mom the Chanel gift set every year for Christmas)
Something important on your desk:  Ummm...I guess I would have to say my iPhone...or possibly my bluetooth! lol
On your wall hangs:  In my office...today I hung the pictures that Norman and I painted when we went to Paintings Bayou on a date. It shows that even though we were looking at the same thing, we both ended up with our own personal perspective on the subject matter. It makes me smile to see them because it was such a fun date...and something I had never done before!
Under your bed or in your closet you hide: lmao...if I have it hidden, there's a reason for it! :-) Let's just say...it's personal!
Something important on your night table: I have this music box that plays "What A Wonderful World" (by Louis Armstrong) and it holds a special package of Craig's ashes, his wedding ring, his watch, and his ear-ring. I have it there so it is the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning. It has been on my night table March 7, 2009 (mine and Craig's wedding anniversary)...and will probably be there till the day I die!
When you sleep, you wear: lmao...if you ask Norman, he will tell you that I wear "gun cleaning cloth" (he hates that I wear anything to bed!), but I am more comfortable when I wear a t-shirt, or silky gown, and pair of panties.
If you had a safe, you would keep: I have no clue! I guess I would keep the diamond watch Craig gave me on our anniversary, my wedding rings from Craig, mine and Craig's wedding album, mine and Norman's wedding album...and probably every single picture album I own!
Things you like to buy: lmao...my vices are shoes and purses! I own more shoes than any woman should ever own...and have an entire full size suitcase packed with all my extra purses (and that's after giving a box full of them to Goodwill!) I am also an avid collector of cookbooks! I love getting a cookbook from every place I visit...especially if it's a regional cookbook!
If you could afford it at this time, you would buy:  I would buy a cabin in the mountains! Somewhere that Norman and I could go to in the winter to enjoy the snow! (We are both such winter people!)
You collect:  Honestly...since Craigs death, I pretty much stopped collecting things...just for the sake of collecting. When he passed away...and in dealing with all the things that he collected...I've realized, it's just "stuff", and who's going to want it when I pass away anyway?! So now, unless I can use it, I don't buy it. I do have a huge collection of porcelan Cherished Teddies...crystal snow globes that my daughter has bought me...and Craig's Franklin Mint Motorcycles. Oh...but wait...I do collect something! I collect wine glasses from the wineries that Norman and I visit.But they are usually free with a wine tasting...and they have the wineries logo on them.
You don't have a lot of:  I don't know what I don't have a lot of! I must have plenty of everything because Norman, Nathan and Allan built me a beautiful storage building to put stuff that I don't use in. Humm...I'm going to have to think on this one...

And that's all the questions that was on that page!
Stay tuned for more...
I'll do this again soon...lol

I Am In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

Book of Days

Book of Days    10/31/2011

Outside my window…The sun is shining brightly, the cows are lying in the pasture, and I can see my Morgan bathing in the sunlight in the front yard. (I’ve noticed that since my time with Craig, that I have picked up his habit of referring to things as “mine”. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but Craig had a tendency to do this!)

My thoughts…Right this very second my thoughts are on “time”. It is pushing 1pm…I still have to package Craig’s tshirts for mailing…take a shower and get ready for school tonight…stop off at the UPS store and send the tshirts off to campusquilts.com (the company making the quilt)…go to Sears and get to school by 6pm.

Today’s quote…”Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.” by Gilbert K Chesterton     I have many fences…some made of twigs, therefore they are easily destroyed. The fence that, without a doubt, is the one that will forever be impenetrable is the part of my heart that will forever belong to Craig. But just as Craig holds a portion of my heart…so does Sarge. The only difference is that Craig’s will forever be frozen in time with a love that will never be replaced. Sarge’s is ever evolving…ever growing with each passing day.

I am thankful for…that Craig left me in a financial state that allowed me to pay off all debt, pay for my schooling and quit work for the last 2 years so I could fulfill “our” dream of my getting a college education. I am also extremely thankful that Sarge supports me in a way that allows me to focus solely on school! He is there for me to cook and clean…bringing dinner to me as I sit at the computer writing Litigation Complaints and Answering Interrogatories. He is there for me emotionally on those days that I don’t want to look at one more powerpoint…would rather stay home than go to school…and when the memories/pain/anger of losing Craig cause me to have a breakdown

From my kitchen…I am preparing to make a vast assortment of cupcakes for my Public Speaking class. Why? (lmao) We have a demonstrative speech to give next week, therefore we must come up with a speech that lasts between 4 - 6 minutes and something we must be able to show “qualifications” for. Mine will be on “The simplicity of decorating a cupcake”. Having gone to Le Cordon Bleu while living in Arizona, I thought this would be a very simple project to undertake…and teach!

I am wearing…Black danskin workout pants and a cream colored Indian motorcycle long sleeve t-shirt

I am creating (crafts, sewing, etc)…I’m still working on the camouflage scarf I’m knitting for Sarge. Hopefully he’ll get to enjoy it this winter!

Becoming well read…As anyone who has seen the book “The Dome” by Stephen King…and knows what taking 7 classes does with all of your free time…know that I am still reading this book! Hopefully I will finish it within the next month! J

I manifest and co-create (my hopes, dreams, prayers)…I am hoping that our 2 week trip to Maine (Sarges’ hometown) will allow me the opportunity to see a Nor’easter! The northern states just experienced one this past weekend…getting up to 30” of snow in October!

Today’s melody…I’m Gonna Love You Through It  by: Martina McBride  (This song makes me think so much of my Mom and I cry every time I hear it!)

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.”

One of my favorite things…OMG! I love my Ugg boots!! I wore them this weekend while we were up in the mountains visiting my son…and not only are the warm, but they are so freaking comfortable! Why did I wait so long to buy a pair?!

Future plans for the week…Today I am sending Craig’s t-shirts off to have a memorial quilt made. On Friday my daughter and son-in-law will have their nephews up from Fayetteville. They have invited us spend Friday with them to go see the movie “Puss-in-Boots” and to Dave & Busters for dinner…which we are going to do.

Still Life…I remembered that today is the 29^th anniversary of mine and my first husband’s first date. Even though we are now divorced, we remain good friends (Sarge and I were at his house this past weekend)…and it made me think of this screensaver I had:

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time...

Back before meeting and dating someone you met via the Internet was acceptable...

There existed a man and woman destined to meet and fall in love. This is also a journey that almost never happened...

Having been back in the singles world for roughly 4 years...I was tired of dating. I was a single mom of 2 teenagers...worked 2 jobs...was a volunteer firefighter and first responder...and was sick of going through the obligatory and repetitious first dates that continuously left me feeling that there had to be someone who held the same passion for life that I held. I was so tired of the same old boring and dull men, that I had decided I was going to take a break form the dating scene. I wanted to just take a nice breather so I didn't end up being a bitter old spinster. That was...until I met Craig.

In late February of 2002, I received my first email from a gentleman who was looking for a friend to "introduce" him to life in North Carolina. This gentleman was Craig Francis Sanders.

He introduced himself as being 6'2", British and a biker...and sent a picture of him sitting on his custom bike. As I looked at his picture, all I thought was..."British biker?! That's an oxymoron...there's no such thing as a British biker!". I loved the way he looked...but then again, how many of us girls don't love bad-boys?! As I continued to stare at his picture...trying to imagine this big, tattooed, burly looking guy having a British accent...I just couldn't imagine why he would want anything to do with me. I wasn't a biker chic and was actually intimidated by bikers. I had already been down the bad-boy road and wasn't fond of ever visiting it again...and besides, I had just sworn off dating...so I deleted the e-mail.

A week later...on a Friday...I received my 2nd e-mail from him. Well, I thought, at least he was persistent! :-) After receiving this email, I decided to write him back...and if nothing else, we could end up being friends. I then sat down and wrote him. With it being a Friday morning...and me somehow managing to have the weekend off...I gave him my home phone number and my cell phone number and asked him to just give me a call when he was free. I, then, waited to hear back from him...checking my e-mails every once in a while in the event he felt more comfortable writing me back instead of calling. Friday came and went...nothing. Saturday...nothing! Sunday...nothing!! I thought he must either be this real big jerk or I wrote something that he didn't like in my email to him. So, on Monday morning...as I am getting ready to go to work...I am re-reading my email to him just to see if there was something that he could have misconstrued...and I couldn't find anything. Until...I happened to notice the email address I sent it to. His was "limeybarstard"...I sent it to "limeybastard"!

I immediately sent an apologetic email...with the original email attached...and within 30 minutes he responded back, laughing at my mistake yet still interested in finding that "friend" to help him acclimate himself into the North Carolina life. We spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth to each other...him calling me on his lunch break...him calling me at work (I was a manager with Wendy's at the time) just to see how my evening was going...and then me calling him when I got home from work (which was 3:30am) and talking until 6am, when he had to get in the shower and get ready for work. This pace of communication continued all week long...with my hoping that we would meet face to face that upcoming weekend. Imagine my disappointment when he wanted to wait because his father was in town (from England) and he didn't feel that it would be right to leave his Dad all alone while we went out. Well...little did he know...Nancy usually gets what Nancy wants (lmao)...and we finally made plans to meet that Sunday for breakfast (with his Dad being very supportive in our meeting). 14 hours later we parted...both of us knowing that we found something very special and with plans for me to come down to his place in Mooresville (I was living in Mars Hill at the time), meet his Dad, and stay the weekend with him.

I could go on and on about how we spent the next week with the phone glued to our ears...how honored I was to have that weekend with Craig's dad (for he passed away not too long after our meeting)...and how, after seeing his dad off at the airport), Craig got down on one knee and proposed to me, but I will save that for another day.

For a relationship that "almost" didn't happen...it was the most amazing, loving, fun-filled, heart-warming, adventurous time of my life. One that I will forever be grateful for and never understand why it ended to soon.