I Am In The Light

A shadow of joy flickered; it is me.
I told you I wouldn't leave.
My memories, my thoughts are imbedded deep in your heart.
I still love you.
Do not for one moment think that you have been abandoned.
I am in the Light.
In the corner, in the hall, the car, the yard ~
these are the places I stay with you.
My spirit rises every time you pray for me,
but my energy comes closer to you.
Love does not diminish; it grows stronger.
I am the feather that finds you in the yard,
the dimmed light that grows brighter in your mind,
I place our memories for you to see.
We lived in our special way,
a way that now has its focus changed.
I still crave your understanding
and long for the many words of prayer
and good fortune for my soul.
I am in the Light.
As you struggle to adjust without me,
I watch silently.
Sometimes I summon up all the strength of my new world
to make you notice me.
Impressed by your grief,
I try to impress my love deeper into your consciousness.
As you should, I call out to the Heavens for help.
You should know that the fountain of youth does exist.
My soul is now healthy.
Your love sends me new found energy.
I am adjusting to this new world.
I am with you and I am in the Light.
Please don't feel bad that you can't see me.
I am with you wherever you go.
I protect you,
just as you protected me so many times.
Talk to me and somehow I will find a way to answer you.
Mother, Father, son or daughter, it makes no difference.
Brother, sister, lover, husband or wife, it makes no difference.
Whatever our connection ~ friend or even foe ~ I see you with my new eyes.
I am learning to help wherever you are, wherever I am needed.
This can be done because I am in the Light.
When you feel despair, reach out to me. I will come.
My love for you truly does transcend from Heaven to Earth.
Finish your life with the enthusiasm and zest that you had
when we were together in the physical sense.
You owe this to me, but more importantly,
you owe it to yourself.
Life continues for both of us.
I am with you because I love you
and I am in the Light.

Book of Days

Book of Days    10/31/2011

Outside my window…The sun is shining brightly, the cows are lying in the pasture, and I can see my Morgan bathing in the sunlight in the front yard. (I’ve noticed that since my time with Craig, that I have picked up his habit of referring to things as “mine”. I don’t know if it’s an English thing, but Craig had a tendency to do this!)

My thoughts…Right this very second my thoughts are on “time”. It is pushing 1pm…I still have to package Craig’s tshirts for mailing…take a shower and get ready for school tonight…stop off at the UPS store and send the tshirts off to campusquilts.com (the company making the quilt)…go to Sears and get to school by 6pm.

Today’s quote…”Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.” by Gilbert K Chesterton     I have many fences…some made of twigs, therefore they are easily destroyed. The fence that, without a doubt, is the one that will forever be impenetrable is the part of my heart that will forever belong to Craig. But just as Craig holds a portion of my heart…so does Sarge. The only difference is that Craig’s will forever be frozen in time with a love that will never be replaced. Sarge’s is ever evolving…ever growing with each passing day.

I am thankful for…that Craig left me in a financial state that allowed me to pay off all debt, pay for my schooling and quit work for the last 2 years so I could fulfill “our” dream of my getting a college education. I am also extremely thankful that Sarge supports me in a way that allows me to focus solely on school! He is there for me to cook and clean…bringing dinner to me as I sit at the computer writing Litigation Complaints and Answering Interrogatories. He is there for me emotionally on those days that I don’t want to look at one more powerpoint…would rather stay home than go to school…and when the memories/pain/anger of losing Craig cause me to have a breakdown

From my kitchen…I am preparing to make a vast assortment of cupcakes for my Public Speaking class. Why? (lmao) We have a demonstrative speech to give next week, therefore we must come up with a speech that lasts between 4 - 6 minutes and something we must be able to show “qualifications” for. Mine will be on “The simplicity of decorating a cupcake”. Having gone to Le Cordon Bleu while living in Arizona, I thought this would be a very simple project to undertake…and teach!

I am wearing…Black danskin workout pants and a cream colored Indian motorcycle long sleeve t-shirt

I am creating (crafts, sewing, etc)…I’m still working on the camouflage scarf I’m knitting for Sarge. Hopefully he’ll get to enjoy it this winter!

Becoming well read…As anyone who has seen the book “The Dome” by Stephen King…and knows what taking 7 classes does with all of your free time…know that I am still reading this book! Hopefully I will finish it within the next month! J

I manifest and co-create (my hopes, dreams, prayers)…I am hoping that our 2 week trip to Maine (Sarges’ hometown) will allow me the opportunity to see a Nor’easter! The northern states just experienced one this past weekend…getting up to 30” of snow in October!

Today’s melody…I’m Gonna Love You Through It  by: Martina McBride  (This song makes me think so much of my Mom and I cry every time I hear it!)

“When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.”

One of my favorite things…OMG! I love my Ugg boots!! I wore them this weekend while we were up in the mountains visiting my son…and not only are the warm, but they are so freaking comfortable! Why did I wait so long to buy a pair?!

Future plans for the week…Today I am sending Craig’s t-shirts off to have a memorial quilt made. On Friday my daughter and son-in-law will have their nephews up from Fayetteville. They have invited us spend Friday with them to go see the movie “Puss-in-Boots” and to Dave & Busters for dinner…which we are going to do.

Still Life…I remembered that today is the 29^th anniversary of mine and my first husband’s first date. Even though we are now divorced, we remain good friends (Sarge and I were at his house this past weekend)…and it made me think of this screensaver I had:

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time...

Back before meeting and dating someone you met via the Internet was acceptable...

There existed a man and woman destined to meet and fall in love. This is also a journey that almost never happened...

Having been back in the singles world for roughly 4 years...I was tired of dating. I was a single mom of 2 teenagers...worked 2 jobs...was a volunteer firefighter and first responder...and was sick of going through the obligatory and repetitious first dates that continuously left me feeling that there had to be someone who held the same passion for life that I held. I was so tired of the same old boring and dull men, that I had decided I was going to take a break form the dating scene. I wanted to just take a nice breather so I didn't end up being a bitter old spinster. That was...until I met Craig.

In late February of 2002, I received my first email from a gentleman who was looking for a friend to "introduce" him to life in North Carolina. This gentleman was Craig Francis Sanders.

He introduced himself as being 6'2", British and a biker...and sent a picture of him sitting on his custom bike. As I looked at his picture, all I thought was..."British biker?! That's an oxymoron...there's no such thing as a British biker!". I loved the way he looked...but then again, how many of us girls don't love bad-boys?! As I continued to stare at his picture...trying to imagine this big, tattooed, burly looking guy having a British accent...I just couldn't imagine why he would want anything to do with me. I wasn't a biker chic and was actually intimidated by bikers. I had already been down the bad-boy road and wasn't fond of ever visiting it again...and besides, I had just sworn off dating...so I deleted the e-mail.

A week later...on a Friday...I received my 2nd e-mail from him. Well, I thought, at least he was persistent! :-) After receiving this email, I decided to write him back...and if nothing else, we could end up being friends. I then sat down and wrote him. With it being a Friday morning...and me somehow managing to have the weekend off...I gave him my home phone number and my cell phone number and asked him to just give me a call when he was free. I, then, waited to hear back from him...checking my e-mails every once in a while in the event he felt more comfortable writing me back instead of calling. Friday came and went...nothing. Saturday...nothing! Sunday...nothing!! I thought he must either be this real big jerk or I wrote something that he didn't like in my email to him. So, on Monday morning...as I am getting ready to go to work...I am re-reading my email to him just to see if there was something that he could have misconstrued...and I couldn't find anything. Until...I happened to notice the email address I sent it to. His was "limeybarstard"...I sent it to "limeybastard"!

I immediately sent an apologetic email...with the original email attached...and within 30 minutes he responded back, laughing at my mistake yet still interested in finding that "friend" to help him acclimate himself into the North Carolina life. We spent the rest of the day emailing back and forth to each other...him calling me on his lunch break...him calling me at work (I was a manager with Wendy's at the time) just to see how my evening was going...and then me calling him when I got home from work (which was 3:30am) and talking until 6am, when he had to get in the shower and get ready for work. This pace of communication continued all week long...with my hoping that we would meet face to face that upcoming weekend. Imagine my disappointment when he wanted to wait because his father was in town (from England) and he didn't feel that it would be right to leave his Dad all alone while we went out. Well...little did he know...Nancy usually gets what Nancy wants (lmao)...and we finally made plans to meet that Sunday for breakfast (with his Dad being very supportive in our meeting). 14 hours later we parted...both of us knowing that we found something very special and with plans for me to come down to his place in Mooresville (I was living in Mars Hill at the time), meet his Dad, and stay the weekend with him.

I could go on and on about how we spent the next week with the phone glued to our ears...how honored I was to have that weekend with Craig's dad (for he passed away not too long after our meeting)...and how, after seeing his dad off at the airport), Craig got down on one knee and proposed to me, but I will save that for another day.

For a relationship that "almost" didn't happen...it was the most amazing, loving, fun-filled, heart-warming, adventurous time of my life. One that I will forever be grateful for and never understand why it ended to soon.

Why Marriage?

Originally posted on Wednesday, September 8, 2010 at 5:33pm


Why Marriage?
Because to the depths of me, I long to love one person...
with all my heart, my soul, my mind, my body...

Because I need a forever friend to trust with the intimacies of me,
who won't hold them against me,
who loves me when I'm unlikeable,
who sees the small child in me, and
who looks for the devine potential of me...

Because I need to cuddle in the warmth of the night,
with someone who thanks God for me,
with someone I feel blessed to hold...

Because marriage means opportunity
to grow in love and in friendship...

Because marriage is a discipline
to be added to a list of achievements...

Because marriages do not fail...people fail
when they enter into marriage
expecting another to make them whole...

Because, knowing this,
I promise to take full responsibility
for my spirtual, mental and physical wholeness...

I create me.
I take half the responsibility for my marriage...
Together, we create our marriage.

Because with this understanding...
The possibilities are endless.


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Craig was behind this.....

originally posted on October 26, 2009 at 12:57am

On Saturday, 10/17/09...I decided to spend the day unpacking some of Craig's things that I definitely wanted to display in my new place (actually, I think most people would be surprised to see that everywhere you turn in my new place there is another picture of Craig...or items that belonged to Craig. It's just a scaled down version of the home we shared on Union Rd. LOL) The one thing he loved to display were his limited edition motorcycles. So...I drag the curio cabinet from it's temporary home (the second bedroom...which is now the storage area) and place it in the livingroom where I can proudly display those motorcycles, pictures of Craig on various bikes, and other related items.
For the longest time I debated as to how I wanted to display Craig's motorcycle helmets...and made the decision to somehow arrange them on top of the curio cabinet. Once I got everything else all set up...I unpacked his helmets. As I was cleaning off his full-faced helmet...his riding gloves fell out. These were the Kawasaki riding gloves I bought him a couple of years ago for Christmas...along with a Kawasaki hat and messenger bag (because he had just bought a Kawasaki bike to ride back and forth to work on when we lived in Huntington Beach. CA). Anyway...it was very bitter sweet to see that he still wore those same gloves! So, of course, I decided I had to find some way to display them along with his helmets. I finally got everything arranged...and was very pleased with the way everything flowed together. All evening, I kept looking at the different items and thinking of Craig!
The next morning Jonathan arrived (he was my care taker during this last surgery...poor guy!!) as I am in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He comes in...looks at the curio cabinet...and the very first words out of his mouth were: "Who are you telling to F**k off? Everyone?" I was completely baffled by the question. I had no clue what the heck he was talking about! He then had me come out of the kitchen...stand in front of the curio cabinet...and look at the way I displayed Craig's gloves. OMG!! I laughed until I cried! I had looked at that cabinet all evening and never once even noticed the obscene arrangement of his gloves! Without a doubt...someway, somehow...I know Craig was behind my arranging them this way! Cause if you knew Craig...it is absolutely something he would do!!!!




The "obscene gesture"




The Christmas Craig received the hat and gloves. I love his smile...it was always so warm and genuine!

~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

Craig wants me to call him....

Originally posted Sunday July 26, 2009

Lol...no, I've not lost my mind (ok...well, maybe I have, but that's something completely different than this!). Let me explain:
On Tuesday of this week, Ashley was napping on the couch...I was in the kitchen making my coffee...and all of a sudden I hear Ashley asking "Have you called Craig?". I hesitated...thought for a minute about whether or not I really heard her ask what she asked...and then responded "What?" (intelligent response, I know! lol) She then preceeds to respond "Craig wants you to call him." I am taken a bit off gaurd with her statements...walk to the livingroom and realize she is still asleep, but talking as loud as if she were awake and meaning to be heard! I chuckled and replied "Well, baby, if you can figure out a way for me to call Craig...I will be more than happy to call him!". She then wakes up and tells me that she was having a dream that Craig was hugging me and telling me that he was so happy that I was doing what I have always wanted to do (re: my facelift). What a warm, wonderful feeling it was to hear that!
In all the books I have devoured since Craig's passing...one of the common denominators that "spiritualist" tend to convey to mourners is that our loved ones will visit us in our dreams and pass along messages. Since Craig's passing...Ashley has been my conduit to Craig in the dream world. Craig knows that I sleep "hard"...and I very seldom ever remember any of my dreams, but Ashley has had several dreams with Craig in them and can remember every little detail!
I choose to believe...because it comforts me to know he is still around...watching, protecting, and still loving me! And if anyone can figure out how in the heck I am suppose to call him...drop me a note...PLEASE! ;^)


~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress

King size bed for one...

Originally posted Sunday June 28, 2009

Since I am sharing pictures...here is another one. First...Vanessa...don't read this and cry. I am just relaying "information"...I'm not trying to make myself sound pitiful (lol...which I am...but that's a whole other subject matter...lol).
This is/was (I still have a hard time with knowing the right terminology to us) mine and Craig's bed. We purchased the bedroom suite about 2 or 3 months before he passed away. We went from a California King to an Eastern King (difference being is that a California King is long and more narrow...with the Eastern King being wider and shorter). Being one who has always hugged the edge of the bed (why? Hell if I know...lol) when sleeping...and who doesn't toss and turn in her sleep...noticed the other morning what I have done to compensate for sleeping in the big, huge bed alone. Lol Isn't it funny (not ha ha funny...but, "wierd" funny) how the subconscience mind works?
Notice how I have "surrounded" the area I sleep in with pillows? I guess it's to make the bed seem smaller. And poor Craig's side of the bed...is just stacked with all the extra pillows I keep on the bed. (And yes...I do sleep with the remotes! lmao) {See the pillows that "match" the comforter? Those are King size pillows...if that gives you any idea as to how wide this bed really is!!!



~ Live, Laugh, Love, Tweet, Sip ~
Posted from my iPad using Blogpress