Birthdays...

Tomorrow is my 48th birthday...and Mother's Day.

Today...my daughter is throwing me a birthday party. :-)
I have never seen someone as excited as she is about a birthday party...well, except for the very first birthday of Craig's that we shared.

Jan 7, 2003. While Craig worked all day, I spent the day decorating the house with balloons, streamers, confetti, and Happy Birthday banners...made him a birthday cake AND bought him one also...planned an elaborated dinner at home (with me, Jonathan and Ashley)...and surprised the living crap out of him when he got home from work! I had never seen a grown man cry over someone caring enough about him to go to the trouble of throwing him a party, so needless to say, I was stunned when Craig welled up with tears. He had told me that his first wife never took the time of day...or went out of her way for him. No...not even for his birthday! He always felt that the only reason she ever married him was to get out of mom and dad's house...and that he never felt like a husband...never felt desired by her...never felt like a man "should" feel with his wife. That's probably just one of the reasons he had such hatred for her. I can't begin to describe the disdain Craig had for Dana. That's why it broke my heart to know that Craig's brother decided to call her recently. If he only knew how displeased Craig would be to know that...instead of picking up a phone and calling me to find out what information he wanted (instead he took cheap shots at me on facebook)...he called the one women on the face of this earth that Craig hated with a passion. I, first-handedly know that she has no concept of what "truth" is...even to the point of posting that I was the reason Craig had left her. That was the first lie I had to deal with. The fact is I never met Craig until AFTER he had moved to NC and had been living here for almost a month! The last lie, that I care to deal with, was her posting about what a wonderful person she was...and despite the fact that I am the reason for her and Craig's divorce...she sent flowers to the funeral home. Really?! Why the need to lie about the real reason they divorced AND the fact that she NEVER sent flowers. And Craig's brother knew all of this...and still it was Dana he chose to turn to instead of the woman whe loved Craig with every fiber of her being! But I guess that's not my burden to carry, is it? :-( How sad.

But alas...I will hold Craig close to my heart...be forever thankful that I was fortunate enough to meet someone who allows me to openly feel what I feel for Craig...and not have any insecurities in the life we are building with each other. I KNEW Craig would bring someone to me that would be able to handle all that I am going through...I KNOW Craig wants me to live...just like I KNOW Craig is watching over me...and he makes one hell of a guardian angel (along with my mom!).

And tonight...I will celebrate my birthday with all those that love me...whether they are here in person...or in spirit!

Book of Days

Outside my window
The only thing I can focus on outside my window right now is the fact that our yard needs mowing...again! Especially before my birthday party this coming Saturday!

My Thoughts
It is final exam time for this quarter...and I can't believe I survived taking 6 classes! I don't 'think' I'll do that one again! But I am one quarter closer to graduating and honoring the men who have made it possible for me to attend and fulfill my dream...Craig and Norman. Craig for giving me the courage to enroll (before he passed away) and for always being my biggest fan! Sarge for being there to emotionally support me. Whether I am having a mental breakdown from the stress of school...or an emotional breakdown with the love I still feel for Craig! Sarge is a very strong, secure and giving man...and he loves ME. What more can I say?

Today's Quote
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death (Harold Wilson)

I Am Thankful For
My Dad. I don't speak of him...and there are personal reasons for not doing so. Yet, if it were not for my dad, I would not be the strong woman I am today. He once told me..."Never, never depend on a man to give you what you want financially in life. If there is something you want...you get it yourself!" To this day...if nothing else ever sticks with me...that one piece of advice sticks! I do not...have not...and will NEVER depend on a man to financially give me all the things I want in life.
The reason this is in my mind today is because I know of someone who made the comment...right before their marriage..."Just think...when Andy dies I will get his 401K!" That absolutely sickens me! Why?
1. If that is the only reason you got married...you have no concept of what marriage is about.
2. Losing a spouse...when you are with them for all the RIGHT reasons...is never a cause for celebration! And when you grieve so hard and so much that you...over 2 years later...are seeing a psychologist to help you deal with that death, then you will understand what truly loving with your whole heart means!
3. Why not get off your dead ass and get a job! Quit depending on your former spouses money...and the prospects of your future dead husbands money. Get out there and make your own.

From My Kitchen
I didn't make it...but Sarge just baked us a Razzleberry Pie! We're just waiting for it to cool..then I'll have a cup of coffee and a piece of pie while studying for my exam.

I Am Wearing
Danskin workout pants and a t-shirt with the new Air Force Logo and Design..."Cross Into The Blue"

I Am Creating
Nothing as of right now...I still need to finish my cross stitch (and my daughter's blanket I started knitting)

My Adventures This Week
Well...my daughter has some kind of huge surprise planned for me Saturday. She is picking me up at 1pm, taking me to someplace (I have no clue where), I am suppose to be there for a couple of hours, and then my son will be picking me up to bring me home...then they have a big party planned for my birthday (with lots of 'over-night' guests...lmao). My daughter is doing all the decorating...making all the food except for what Sarge is going to be grilling...and has apparently ordered some kind of cake that is going to make me so very, very happy!

Becoming Well Read
I am now reading "Wherever You Go...There You Are Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

I Manifest and Co-Create
My prayer this week:
Angel of God my Guardian dear,
To whom God's love commits me here;
Ever this day, be at my side
To light and guard
To rule and guide

Today's Melody
None...I am enjoying the peace and quiet

One Of My Favorite Things
My Pandora Braclet: I received 2 new charms this weekend to represent my daughter...an "A" for Ashley and a sea turtle (she has this facination with sea turtles)

Seven Years

How did I love you?
There was no measuring
far above this dirty world
far above everything
in your tower over it
you were clean

So warm and insightful
were you in my eyes
I was sure...the rightful
guardian of my life
damn you betrayer
how you lied

But for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around your feet

For seven years
I bowed down
to touch the ground
so wholly your devotee

You were
all I could see

For seven yers
you were so revered
I made offerings
of anything and everything I had

You were
all I could see

A side note...this is a "mutilated" version of a song by Natalie Merchant. Please do not take any part of these lyrics and assign any meaning to them other than for which it is intended!

Book of Days...

1. Outside My Window... The wind is really picking up and I'm just waiting for the storm to arrive.


2. My Thoughts... I am so tired right now that I don't think I am having coherent thoughts! I've been up since 4am...cramming hard for a test in Civil Litigation tomorrow...and I am now just about ready to crash!


3. Today's Quote..."I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult.


4. I Am Thankful For... Exavier and Savanna (my grandchildren). They came over this weekend and they seem to have this unbelievable ability to make me laugh and appreciate the innocence of the young. Savanna is a "mini-me"...she likes all things frilly and girly. Exavier is my "little-man"...he loves helping his Nana Nancy out, regardless of what it is. they are so very precious!


5. From My Kitchen... I cooked all weekend...hot dogs, corn dogs, fresh corn on the grill, home-made fruit salad, BBQ chicken on the grill, and home-made hot fudge cake for dessert (and this was just Saturday evening!). Today, the only thing I've made is a boneless, skinless chicken breast for my lunch when I got in from school...and I'm getting too tired to worry about supper


6. I Am Wearing... I am all cozy in my matching pj bottoms and top made out of t-shirt material...yet very feminine.


7. I Am Creating (crafts, sewing, etc)... I have designed a cross stitch pattern that I am working on.


8. My Adventures This Week... Every week seems to turn into some kind of adventure, whether I have it planned or not! The only thing that I really have on the calendar in the "personal" column is dinner and movie with Sarge this weekend. We are going to The Penguin in Charlotte for dinner (awesome place!) and to see "The Conspirator".


9. Becoming Well Read... I am still working on "Love Wins" by Rob Bell and " Infinite Quest" by John Edwards .


10. I Manifest and Co-create (what are my hopes, dreams, prayers)... Sarge is helping me plan a memorial garden for Craig and for his brother Jonathan. I have a place picked out that has 2 enormous trees...and I want to have the following quote put on a plaque to place on the tree in their honor: ""Let us cross the river, and rest under the trees." by General Stonewall Jackson


11. Today's Melody..."Drink a little drink, Smoke a little smoke" by Eric Church


12. One Of My Favorite Things... My oversize chair and ottoman in the den! I like pulling the ottoman all the way up to the chair, sit crossed leg in the chair, and spread my homework out on the ottoman (and do it! lol)


13. Still Life...My new business cards came today...and I am rather pleased! It's a 2-sided card...with the card stock being Pearl...

This Is My South

*My South is full of honest, hard-working people. *My South is colorblind. In my South, we don't put a premium on pigment. No one cares whether you are black, white, red or green with orange polka dots. *My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n' roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Mussy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis. *My South is hot. *My South smells of newly mowed grass. *My South was the South of The Partridge Family, Hawaii 5-0 and kick the can. *My South was creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting. *My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet. *In my South, football is king, and the Southeastern Conference is the kingdom. *In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing. *My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish. *In my South we eat foie gras, caviar and truffles. *In my South, out transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country. *In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday. *In my South, family matters, deeply. *My south is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and oatmeal cream pies. *In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca Cola and hot sauce on almost everything. *In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women. *My South has air-conditioning. *My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas. *In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus. *In my South, people still say "yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "please" and "thank you". *In my South, Sunday is for church. The Ten Commandments mean something. In my south, we all wear shoes & clothes...some of the time. My South is the best-kept secret in the country. Please continue to keep the secret...it keeps the idiots away! (written by Robert St. John)

Understanding my attraction to White Tigers...

I get it now! I finally understand my "draw" toward the White Tiger...and it was the memory of Craig that led me to it.

See, Craig was into personal totems and ideas along that line. He always believed that his totem was the Wolf. Well, while shopping the other day, I found this gorgeous t-shirt with a tribal design of a wolf and thought it would make a great tattoo (I've been looking for a tattoo design to put on my back...and no, there will be NO TRAMP STAMP!) In talking with the Sarge, he was supportive, yet, a little concerned. Unfortunately, he knows that Nancy is going to do whatever Nance wants...the heck with everyone else's thoughts and opinions. But out of respect for Sarge I came to the realization that maybe...just maybe...I need to search out my own totem and design a tattoo from that. And that's exactly what I did!

I have always had this draw toward the White Tiger. The Power. The Strength. The Beauty. It called to me...I just never listened "wholly". Until the other day. Below is just a little of the information I found out about the White Tiger as a totem:

"One who is blessed to have White Tiger walk beside them, is here with the role to seek personal truth. Yet in order to thoroughly understand and absorb the lessons and responsibilities of this role, White Tiger Soul need first acknowledge the shadows that exist 'within'.

The shadows that are represented by the dark stripes of the White Tiger, may be in the form of beliefs or behaviors which bring pain either to the Self or others. Fear turned inward, which ultimately manifests as hatred or anger. Yet the challenge here is acknowledgement and the facing of personal truths free of judgment, self retribution or placing the responsibility onto another.

White Tiger is drawn to a soul that has a powerful sense of conviction and inner strength. Therefore, on who is blessed with power totem will have strong ideas of what is "right" and "wrong" and will stand by this personal belief system, even of that means leaping in the face of popular opinion. Naturally, the may feel compelled to be a champion for the 'under-dogs' of life.Much like their power totem, White Tigers are individuals in every sense of the word and pride themselves upon standing apart from the group. It is this inner drive to be recognized for their unique contributions, that will often propel he/she into positions of public attention and recognition. The resulting manifestation is as a brilliant star in a night sky beckoning all to partake in the beauty and fire of life."

This is my next tattoo! I want in to go completely across my upper back, with the face dead center! I can't wait to get it! :-)

The first installment of "Book of Days"

My Thoughts...
Today my thoughts are revolving around my baby...Morgan. He is at the vets this morning having surgery for a really bad gash on his left hindquarters. While he is there, they are going to run a heart test on him, check his liver and kidneys, update his shots (that I have not had done since Craig passing away), and they are going to microchip him for me.

Todays, Quote...
"Get your facts first. Then you can distort them as much as you please." Mark Twain

I Am Thankful For...
Common Sense...and those that have it!

From My Kitchen...
The only thing that has come from my kitchen this morning has been coffee! And as far as supper goes...who the heck knows...peanut butter and jelly?? Lmao

I Am Wearing...
Bluejeans, long-sleeve black Indian Motorcycle t-shirt and tennis
shoes

I Am Creating (crafts, sewing, etc.)...
Tonight I have to create 2 posters for my Psychology presentation...that is due in the morning. Nothing like procrastinating!

My Adventures This Week (where I am going this week)...
Not planning anything major this week, even though my son just sent me a text reminding me that I said I would come and see him this weekend. I guess I could go...I always love going to Asheville!

Becoming Well Read (what I am reading)...
I just finished reading "The Innocent Man" by John Grisham. I intend to finish reading President Bush's Book "Decision Points" while on Spring break next week.

I Manifest and Co-Create (what are my hopes, dreams, prayers)...
I am dreaming of my future...when I am no longer a student and am back to bringing in a really good paycheck! I love making money! And I definitely can not stand the thought of EVER being totally dependent on someone else for the things I want and need in life. This is MY life...MY journey! I will not be controlled or manipulated into having to NEED a man to survive! I would much rather WANT you as to NEED you!!!!

Today's Melody...
Still listening to Grayson Chance's "Waiting Outside The Lines"

One Of My Favorite Things...
lmao...My daughter just sent me a text letting me know that Crunchwrap supremes from Taco-Bell are .88 cents this week. Today...at this very moment in time...that is my favorite thing!

Further Plans For The Week...
Survive! I just want Friday to get here and know that I am off for the entire next week.

Still Life (share a picture taken or found that speaks to me)...






This was our "Family Photo"...after the kids had grown. It was just Morgan, Craig and I.

From My Training (skills, training, notes I would like to share)...
Humm...training? Well, I did learn how to produce a litigationn document for the courts today! That is always something good to know! bwahahah!!



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Location:Cato Law Library