Saturday, January 18, 2014

Book of Days

 Outside my window.....it is still dark. It is 2:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning and while the rest of the world sleeps, I am wide awake. Why? I have no idea. I just know that since losing my Craig, sleep is not a peaceful place of slumber for me. Too many memories that come as dreams haunt my sleep. The subconscious has a cruel way of surfacing at the most  unwelcome times.

My thoughts.....are of all I should be doing this morning to get ready for work, but here I sit...determined to get back to my journaling in hopes of ridding myself of the anger/guilt/confusion I still feel at losing Craig. The hardest part of the process will be making myself be completely honest about "everything". The reality...and the fantasy...of who my Craig was, and the harsh reality of who I was when...and because...of him. It will take some time...and courage, that I still don't have.

 Today's quote....."Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -- Mary Anne Radmacher
  
Todays melody.....                       Say Something by A Great Big World

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one if you want me to
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something I'm giving up on you
Say something

I am thankful for.....this man right here:  
I know that I don't write about it often, but this man is one of the most remarkable men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing...and loving! Not only did he come along at the most horrific time in my life...he made the conscious decision to stay and love this woman with the most profound love and understanding imaginable. He has loved me through the pain...through the anger...through the loneliness...and through the heartache of my losing Craig. He is not threatened by the love I still have for Craig. He knows it is not a competition. He allows me to grieve...without fear of repercussion. He comforts me when I need it...holds me when I need to feel safe...wipes away the tears when they fall...and loves me through all of it. He has become my anchor...and I am thankful for him more and more each day! xoxo As he is always telling me..."His love for me is infinite"...and I believe him.

From my kitchen.....there brews nothing as of late. Other than my recent bread making/baking, I really haven't been in the mood to do a lot of baking lately. As with all my other "artistic expressions"...my desire to bake ebbs and flows. Unfortunately for my husband, I've been "ebbing" for several months when it comes to baking. But alas...this too shall pass.


I am wearing.....my normal "wear to work-at-home" outfit. It consists of a pair of gray Gamecocks thermal /waffle pants, a white v-neck t-shirt, and a pair of black socks. Sounds kinda snazzy...doesn't it?

I am creating.....too many projects! I am almost through with my painting...almost through with the pixie scarf/hat combination I've been knitting...barely started on the heavy knitted blanket for my daughter...and barely started on the Irish Wedding cross-stitch sampler I'm creating for Sarge and myself. What is it they say? "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"? If that is true there's no chance of doing/creating evil for me!

 
Becoming well read....."The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien. This is a collection of related stories about a platoon of American soldiers in the Vietnam War. With Sarge being a Retired Airman and my first husband serving in the Vietnam War, it gives me some sort of perspective of the war from a soldiers viewpoint.

One of my favorite things.....would have to be my Kindle Paper-white! I love this kindle! I remember thinking that I would "never" give up the desire to hold a "real" book in my hands when reading, but I am finding that the Kindle Paperwhite is pretty awesome. I love the ability to purchase a book at anytime, in anyplace...the non-glare screen with the ability to read it outdoors in the sunlight...and the back-light, so I can read it when the lights are down low, or not even on!

I manifest and co-create....."May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams.  May the laughter you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays."


Future plans for the week.....include, hopefully, taking the time to go see the movie "Lone Survivor". I don't care what side of the fence your political beliefs lie...where would we be without our military men and women? These brave men and women spend their lives defending this country. My brother-in-law gave his life defending this country while in Iraq. My 1st husband was shot and spent 10 months in the hospital while defending this country while in Vietnam.Sarge spent over 20 years defending this country. I DARE anyone to every say anything bad about our military men and women to my face. I love our military families! xoxo


Still life.....

Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)